“Wait a minute, DrDeb. I object to that title!I AM an objective person! I’m very rational, logical, analytical. Of course I’m objective!”
Um…. I appreciate that, but our brains aren’t built that way, my friend.
Here’s a little lesson in neurobiology:The neocortex is the thinking part of our brain. We prize it, value it, love it – and rightly so.
But the way it’s structured is very, very interesting.
Go google it if you don’t believe me, but here is the thing:The top two layers of the neocortex process all of our past experiences and the emotions we felt when we had those experiences.
Mind you, we may not consciously remember any of it. That stuff is hidden in our unconscious. But it still comes to affect us to this very day.
The bottom two layers of the 6-layers of the neocortex process what we are receiving in the present, including our emotions.And guess what?
To come up with how to think, how to act, how to handle what’s going on right now, the middle two layers of this brilliant brain’s neocortex combine the past information with the present.And presto! We react! And we don’t even know why. It’s unconscious.
Now, remember, the experiences we had cannot be separated from the emotions and meanings that we attributed to them at that time.
So, for example, if you once had a very bad experience in bed with your partner even if your partner has tried and tried to be “good” and make it up to you, those changes don’t matter.Just as you’re getting into bed (your present experience), the meanings associated with that action in the past come to inform you that . . .
. . . “Uh-oh, this is not safe.”
Now, your partner could, conceivably get mad at you for not “moving on.”You just tell them, “Blame my neocortex!”
Because, as I said, the past meanings associated with getting into bed are here to serve you so you can respond correctly in the present moment.They’re trying to protect you.
They’re in the top two layers of this fabulous neocortex and that information will combine with the info in the bottom two layers that “we’re getting into bed.” The combo takes place in the middle two layers and even if you tell yourself over and over again, “But this partner of mine has changed!” – that information which is in the bottom two layers is still fighting with the opposite information that is located in the top two layers.Does this mean you’re stuck forever?
Good news: The answer is No!
There is a window of time, 5 or 6 hours, to be exact, during which the emotions we attribute to the old memories can be open to change.How about that?
Yes, if done right, for the meanings associated with past events can change.How does that happen?
It is a chemical thing in the brain.
When the old memory is deeply activated and then fed opposite information that makes the emotional reaction no longer valid, the old memory’s meaning can change.This is what my team and I do to help our private clients able to move forward past the past.
Obviously, we can only do that if the past has indeed gotten better in the present. If the bed situation remains as bad as it ever was, then we can’t help. But if there’s reason to believe that that past misery is done and gone forever, then we can help you get past it.That would be amazing, right?
Once the cheating is over, there’s no reason to be haunted by it.Once the flirting with others is over, there’s no reason to be pained by the memory.
Once the inattention has turned to being present and sensitive, there’s no reason to worry you won’t be heard.
Once the triggers don’t trigger, there’s no reason to be on your guard any more.And here’s the beauty of the whole thing:
Because we do the same thing for both people, those bad behaviors in a partner change too!
Meaning, why did they create that bad experience in bed in the first place?
Why did they yell and not listen in the first place?
Why did they cheat or flirt in the first place?
Why weren’t they tuned into you in the first place?
Why did they get triggered by the innocent things you said in the first place?
We use the same principles to get at their original, past memories that are haunting them from their own past to change the emotions they associate with those memories.That’s called healing.
That’s called getting over the traumas we’ve all experienced.
That’s really called moving forward.
Isn’t that amazing?
There’s a solid solution to the pain.