Here’s my question back: How do you feel?And an even better question: Why do you feel as you do?
See, the worst feeling a person can have when a marriage ends is like you’re a failure. That’s an awful thing to carry around for the rest of your life.So, if you’re staying so as not to feel like a failure, I have depressing news for you: You’re more of a failure if you’re miserable.
But let’s take that to the next level: Are you miserable because you’re being mistreated?Or are you miserable because this person just doesn’t “connect” with you anymore?
Or are you miserable because you – you – are afraid of intimacy and keep pushing this partner away?
But maybe you’re not at all miserable. Maybe you thought the marriage was good and your partner surprised you one day and told you that they didn’t feel that way; they wanted a change.In you.
Or maybe it’s none of the above.
Maybe you just can’t let go because you’ve been together so long and besides that you’ve got children. Okay, grown, but still.Or maybe you’re afraid of being alone once the dust settles.
Then there is a second set of questions: What have you tried to do to fix things?
If you tell me you’ve tried 6 therapists and the Gottman weekend and a Church weekend and nothing worked, I would believe you.
Unfortunately.
But it’s good that you tried because you might have hit on a good therapist. They are there to be found.Rare. But possible.
And the reality is that most therapists are poorly trained, especially in doing couples work. Since the root of couple problems is early childhood wounding (trauma, if you ask me), then the work to solve it must be separate trauma work for each person first, before the couple counseling.If you didn’t try anything because one of you would not cooperate, then what did the other person do?
So, with all these questions swimming around, I have one answer: A deep look inside.
Here’s what you will find: Stuff – feelings, opinions, ideas – you did not know was there.We all carry around the answers.
But they’re hidden.
For a good reason – the voices in our head of worry, anxiety, depression, anger, and escape serve to distract us from terrible pain.They have a purpose.
Or I should say they used to have a purpose once upon a time. They had a purpose when we were little and we needed them. They all came into our hearts and souls for a reason.After all, kids think like kids.
Kids will worry because if they do the worrying, they hope they’ll come up with solutions before they get scolded from mom or dad.That is just plain normal.
But those worries and other coping mechanisms no longer serve us.
So if we go ahead and do some quiet reflection and make pauses for answers to bubble up from inside, it will be amazing what we find there.
This, in fact, is the essence of therapy. It digs deep inside of us. Some of us can do this without outside help and others need more.Here’s what I’d like you to do: Put down your answers in the comments to all those questions if you’re wondering whether to stay or go and I’ll help you figure out the roadmap.
It is funny that this was a post today because I have been thinking about this all weekend. Should I continue to stay?
I am feeling miserable.
I feel miserable because I thought I had a near perfect marriage. I worked hard for my family. I loved and still love deeply. I sacrifice all of me happily for my husband and daughters. All I want is to be told I am loved every day by my husband (like we used to do), and be recognized for who I am, and my feelings are dismissed and my voice is silenced.
I am miserable because I am not being heard. I am miserable because I was falsely accused and my voice is silenced. I am miserable because I feel I am not valued but yet he does not want to let me go because every time I say let’s separate for a while or move away from each other, I am told that is not what he wants. So he wants me around even though he has called me such atrocities? He has defamed me. None of this makes sense. SO once again I live a life under his terms, but my feelings, my voice are silenced. I was happy living under his terms when I felt loved. I don’t feel loved now, I don’t know what I feel. Sometimes I feel like I am being controlled and manipulated. But other times, I don’t think that is it, I do think he loves me, he is just struggling with something that he just unconsciously wants to be project onto me unjustly. I have compassion for him, but then I get mad at myself for having compassion for him and not for myself, because he does not see me for who I am and does not work on himself (that I know of) to resolve this. I don’t know if he is reflecting upon his behavior, but I know that he has not shown to me that he will fulfill my needs. My needs have been communicated over and over again – just to say I love you daily as we did before. He does not do it. So I question if he is really thinking about what he has done – my assumption is that he is still harboring his untrue thoughts of me. Because if he was not feeling that anymore, I think he would say he loves me but he does not do it.
I have tried therapy, but only with myself, I have attempted to get him involved, but he refuses.
He has stated he has no issues, only I have the issues. So I do not ask anymore. I rarely talk about us anymore. I am at the point, where I think what’s the point. He has shown me over and over again that he will not evaluate any other perceptions other than his own. My voice does not count – that is the message I have received over and over again.
But I cannot work on things alone, as my main issue is to get this problem resolved and I cannot do it without him. It hurts deeply to my soul to be blamed for something I did not do, and to hear all of those nasty untrue words about me come out of the mouth of the love of my life.
I don’t know how I am still here. I have tolerated too much. I feel like I should have left. I am not giving myself the worth that I am due. But I stay because I believe that my sweet husband is somewhere in there. I just cannot get to him. And honestly, I do not think I will ever get to him, based on what I have witnessed from his family upbringing. I thought that the 27 years we have been together would be the basis and foundation of us, but truly he is demonstrating the ways of his parents.
I thought waiting this out would make him come to his senses, but that has not worked. He is now “nice” but we are not where we were at before at all. I feel like there is no connection. I do not know what is going through his mind, I feel like I don’t know him anymore. He does not talk about feelings at all. We talk only about our kids and daily business typical family stuff. No deep conversations at all. To me this is a fake life, but I am sure to him this is normal, as his parents lived that way since I met them 27 years ago until their death.
I am sad, I am angry, I am depressed for not being seen for who I am and for being silenced and disrespected. I am also very angry with myself for tolerating it. I understand that you get what you tolerate. So I am to blame for staying. I know I should have handled this differently. But I feel so paralyzed. I just want my husband back, our life back that we once had. I have no idea how we got to this place when I was blissful in my marriage. This has shocked me to the core. And even though I have been living in misery for almost 4 years now, I still cannot believe that this is my life. I always feel so lucky in love. I loved my marriage, love my husband. It is so sacred for me. He has left me in a state of shock and paralysis and I do not know how to move from this state.
But as I said, deep within me I know we have something so strong, something that comes around only once in a lifetime and I just wish he would see that too.
So everyday, I wonder to myself do I keep staying living under these, “his” terms, or do I go? I say this to myself every day and then I say let’s give it one more day and maybe he will come to his senses, but days have turned into many years. Many young, good years of my life spent miserable.
But I will be miserable with him or without him. I love him too much. I love him so much I have compassion for the ugliness he has projected onto me.
I have this same story-30 years. I felt I was writing this post.