Sex is the Gold Standard of a well-oiled, functioning, happy, content marriage.
Or it should be.
And so, for that reason, everyone wants it. It feels wonderful when it feels wonderful.
But when it doesn’t…..
It’s two strangers trying to connect and not making it. One person feeling alone and wondering, “What was that all about?” One person relaxed and comfortable, happy, and yet disconnected.
Two people struggling to find some common ground.
You feel lonely, isolated, and you have a sense of “What’s the point?”
The problem is that you don’t get to build the penthouse until you build the foundation and all the floors on top of it. The pain is a natural result of not working on the foundation.
Bad sex emphasizes the emotional and spiritual distance between two people. It makes people want to run away from each other.
Those who still feel their feelings are in unbearable pain at the dead, empty sex when it should be everything but that. Those who don’t feel anything, well, they’re kinda dead.
This goes for men and women. The stereotype that men don’t feel and women only feel doesn’t always apply. There are plenty of men who acutely feel the emptiness and meaninglessness of disconnected sex. And there are women who’ve cut off their feelings so much that they don’t want the sex at all. You may know someone like that.
Now you know why there’s so much cheating going on. Anyone telling you they cheat for happiness is lying. To themselves before they’re lying to you. They’re running away from the intolerable pain of emptiness.
You believe that that’s no solution at all. Neither are drugs, alcohol or any other method of escaping reality a solution. People whose flirtation breaks up the family and leads to second marriages end up with a 75% divorce rate.
That’s because the attraction was more in their imagination than in reality. As soon as reality sets in, they’re back to Start.
So, What’s The Solution?
Build the foundation, of course.
The foundation is fun, exciting, beautiful, and happier than any fantasy that the billion-dollar porn sites can come up with. Why? Because we were made to connect. And when we do — fireworks!
Is it simple? No. Well, it’s simple to understand, but not simple to do. It requires — gasp!! — talking! Talking in a way that actually leads to understanding. Wow. Understanding. When was the last time you felt understood?
Talking that makes you feel validated. Whole. Part of. Yes, both whole and part of at the same time.
It takes a willingness to roll up your sleeves and work. It takes a willingness to push past the old beliefs about who the other person is – and about who you are.
And it takes someone who knows exactly what you need to learn in order to be able to get inside the head of your partner. Someone who can give you the tools of understanding and validation. Someone who tailors those tools exactly to fit you. Both of you.
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