“Of course I know that people aren’t supposed to lose it,” Tammy said defensively. “I’m not stupid. I didn’t just get born yesterday. I know how to act. In fact,” she went on with an air of superiority about her, “I’ve got 12 people under my management at work and they love me. They know I’m fair and reasonable – and I don’t lose my cool.”
She almost said, “hrumpfh.” She didn’t actually say “hrumpfh” but the look on her face told anyone who cared to look that she was certainly thinking it.
In fact, that look was clearly saying what her words were implying – that she was justified in getting angry with Billy. Normally, she wouldn’t need that anger to get the job done. That was what she implied. But in this case, she was more than entitled to vent very forcefully.
Okay, yes, get enraged.
Because Billy’s alcohol use for ten years – ten years – when he had committed to stopping and pleaded with her to forgive him many times – many times – but did not do one blessed thing to get on the wagon was enough justification for her to yell at him. Every day.
The fact that Billy finally did stick to his word and had not touched a drop in two years didn’t matter. In Tammy’s eyes, his two years of sobriety couldn’t possibly erase the pain she suffered for a decade of being tricked and fooled repeatedly.
Every time she thought of an incident in which she caught him after thinking he’d been clean was like being kneed in the gut. It drove her insane. All she had to do was remember one little piece of the story – maybe the moment she found the hidden bottle, or the look on his face when she confronted him, or the weasely words he used to try to excuse himself, even his tone – and she went flying off the handle.
Tammy never tired of her rage. She never tired of taking moments to dig in her displeasure at her husband. And she thoroughly believed she was in her right to let loose whenever it struck her to do so.
If you took a moment to ask Tammy about it, her defenses would go up just as they did at the beginning of this story. She’d get all huffy and act like you were falsely accusing her of something. She knew she was in the right!
But what, exactly, was she trying to accomplish?
Two years ago, Billy realized his mistake and decided once and for all to get clean. He went daily to meetings, got a sponsor, worked the steps, yada, yada. And he was doing a great job. But his efforts seemed worthless. Clearly, Tammy did not value them. What was the point? “Here, I’m doing the right thing and I’m getting punished for it,” he would say. “Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.”
Billy was determined to create the happy home he’d never had. The home he was in at the moment was a mess. Yet, he really loved Tammy. Or he loved the idea of the Tammy he thought she was when they first met. And they had three children. He did not want a divorce.
He decided to reach out for help for Tammy and her anger.
Tammy didn’t appreciate this one bit. “I’m not the person who needs help,” Tammy said with a snarl of the lip.
“I’m not happy being yelled at all the time,” Billy replied. “Are you really happy when you’re so angry at me? Does your anger make you happy?”
That was the first thing Billy said in a long time that made sense. No, she had to admit, her anger did not make her happy at all. It did not make up for the years of pain that she experienced from Billy’s drinking and sneaking. In fact, she was miserable.
Thank you, Tammy, for being honest with yourself.
Of course you’re miserable. All the yelling and venting has never been shown to improve mood. On the contrary, researcher Murray Straus at the University of New Hampshire (since deceased) was the first person to venture behind the privacy wall that people put up with his national survey on violence in the book Behind Closed Doors (1980). He found that people who vented actually felt worse than people who were able to let things go.
But what is Tammy supposed to do?
How in the world can she just “let go” of the horrific life she had because she had been living with a drinker who pretended he wasn’t for ten years?
In fact, a better question is should she let it go? Is that morally right? Well, you can’t sweep the dust under the carpet and pretend all that didn’t happen. But is it fair that Tammy must hold onto her rage?
If it’s not right to let it go and it’s not right to be forever angry, what is the third choice?
The third choice is complete healing for Tammy. To get to the point where she can let go of the past, where the past doesn’t call up for her terrible memories and a nauseous stomach as she makes unwanted discoveries. It’s a state where she can see Billy with fresh, new eyes and realize he has turned around; he’s a new person.
Anger and rage are not justified. And they aren’t good for your health either. Tammy will develop heart disease if she keeps this up – yes, women also do; it’s not a men’s disease anymore.
I can help Tammy with the third choice – complete healing and an ability to no longer be troubled by old triggers. There’s no need for her to be a slave to rage. Nor to her past ugly memories. My 12-week intensive group and personal coaching along with 1:1 and joint therapy covers exactly that.
We start off identifying triggers. At the end of the program Tammy – and you – will have Tamed Your Triggers. That’s because you’ll get tools that change your physiology. Then you’ll heal your destroyed sense of self through Self-Validation. And the end brings you and your partner together in a healthy way for Compassionate Honesty.
Let’s talk. It’s free and I want to help you map out a way out of the anger trap. https://drdeb.com/book.
When you pick the time you like, please fill out a short application. That will save us about 20 min out of the call; that’s why I need it done!