You feel isolated, misunderstood. You’re afraid to say something and afraid not to say something.
You wonder why you’re married if you have to sit all alone in your empty house.
You feel so much worse being married and alone than people who are alone.
Being with someone who does not understand you or doesn’t care to understand you is devastating. Your partner is supposed to be your best friend and instead, something went badly wrong and here you are more alone than if you were alone.
“How did we get here?” you wonder.
You got there slowly. It was not an earthquake. It was not a major upheaval. It never is. It’s a slow unraveling that starts with not being understood and instead of working on clarifying things, someone gives up. Someone says, “whatever” and slinks off to suffer in silence. Leaving you — left alone.
They didn’t intend to misunderstand.
Of course not. They just didn’t understand.
That happens. Actually, that happens a lot.
But when you “clarified” it still didn’t make sense to them.
They left it alone because – what other choice did they have?
And you felt the same way. Why try if it doesn’t work?
The worst part of this is that you have no idea what options you can possibly have at this time and your partner is talking “divorce.” Well, of course they are. They don’t see options, either.
When you’re completely slamming into the wall in order to try to be understood and it just doesn’t work, anyone would give up.
The most important part of life is making it mean something. And that means being someone. Being a person that leaves some kind of mark.
But if whatever you say or they say just gets a “Huh?” then it’s kind of hard to feel like you have some purpose here. Like who are you, anyway? You no longer know because there’s no one there to respond to anything you do.
(One of the things I’ve noticed that makes this problem worse is that people often believe – incorrectly – that they are great communicators when, in fact, they’re not.)
However, I’m here to say you do have options.
Here’s why: The fact that neither you nor your spouse learned how to communicate well enough to give and receive clear messages is no reason to assume that you can’t learn. Of course you can!
And the fact that all your messages are colored now by the distance between you does not mean that it has to remain so.
But you may have to fix this problem all by yourself. If your spouse has checked out, the burden falls on you alone. But so what?
Go for it anyway.
It is altogether possible that with the right help, your partner will come on board later on. Here’s how:
First, work on yourself. This is good. Very good, in fact, because you need that.
Not only do you need to learn to communicate better but you also need to start feeling good about yourself.
You need to forgive yourself for everything. You need to like and love your own company, and learn to take action in a positive way. You need to heal and you need to discover who you are.
Then, the next step is to work on learning to become a magnet for your spouse while you do all this. As they watch the changes, they will be first curious about how real these changes are, and then they will become interested to find out more. They will be impressed with you for pulling all that off.
If this sounds like a big job, it is. I’m not going to lie. It’s a big job.
But what a wonderful job! It’s a true transformation!
And I am here to help you every step of the way. See, this isn’t like therapy where you just spend an hour crying. No way.
That’s because I have a program for you. A program that gets you to Tame Your Triggers, Validate Yourself, and speak with Compassionate Honesty. You can learn to do all this because the tools bypass your conscious mind. You don’t need willpower. But you do need to take time to practice the skills I will teach.
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