People really enjoy using the word “narcissist.” They just about gloat. As someone very close to me said, “Well, it describes a whole cluster of behaviors so once you’ve got that label, you go, ‘Oh now all the pieces are falling into place.'”I get that.
When you’re dealing with certain people who may fall under that label, there are lots of pieces. They aren’t pleasant either.
So when they fall into place, we have the illusion that we understand a situation.
But we don’t.
At all.
In fact, this labeling is actually misleading. We think we understand and we don’t.
Here is what people have said they “know” about narcissists:
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There is a chemical imbalance in their brains.
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They can’t change.
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They are evil.
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They didn’t develop like you and me.
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If you’re married to one, you need to divorce them.
None of this is true.
Let’s go through these one by one:
1. There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance
Much research has been done on the brain’s chemistry and no one has ever found a chemical imbalance.
Imagine that. Please look it up if you don’t believe me. I’d love to give you some links but then Facebook will think my post is spammy.
(Have you noticed there aren’t links in posts anymore? Or not too many of them?)
So where did this idea come from?
Basically, it was a marketing ploy around 40 years ago by the pharmaceutical companies to sell medication. And it stuck.
Why?
Because, like the quote above says, it gives people a feeling of control to think they understand why bad things happen and why people get stuck with “bad” spouses.
“Oh, he has a chemical imbalance.”
“Oh, I see now.”
You don’t, but you feel better. Smart marketing.
2. They can’t change.
Of course they can.
They may not want to and that is a different point.
Why wouldn’t they want to?
Please go back to my September 19 post, “Why They Don’t Think Anything Is Wrong.”
They’re afraid to look inside so they convince themselves that there is nothing to look at.
Kind of like the logic of one of the 4-year olds in my family. “Why are you screaming?” “Because I’m screaming.”
Uhhhh.
Right.
I mean, how would they know there’s nothing wrong that they have to look at if they never looked in the first place?
So then we have to ask why are they doing that? And the answer really gets to the actual reason why someone would become what is called a narcissist.
Like anyone else suffering from trauma, people who end up here were given a message, perhaps many times, that they are worthless.
This is a common message; many people got it. Some react by believing it while others fight it.
I say, good for them! Better to fight bad messages than to cave.
The problem is that there’s another part of them, deep inside, that unfortunately believes the message. So they fight it and they do not want to examine anything about themselves to find out the truth.
Underneath it all, they believe they’re worthless. And that is why they won’t look further. That is also why any therapy that has them examining themselves without goals of compassion, connection, perspective, and kindness will not work. (Our program takes care of that.)
And the way to help someone like that feel those things is to help them feel it for themselves. Please see all my IFS posts on that subject (Go to your Linktree list for some of them; the link to it is in the Guides.)
3. They are evil.
No more than anyone else who becomes like a ferocious lion to protect their inner world from being examined.
We all have in us the capacity to be hurtful, some more, some less. But we all resort to it from time to time.
It isn’t nice when we do it, either.
Now, you could say, “Well, I’m retaliating. You can’t blame me for that.”
I’m not blaming you or your spouse. That’s the point. It may look like they “started” but they’re actually retaliating to something that is quite similar to the wrongs done to them as children. They got triggered just as this “narcissist” triggered you.
So, no, they are no more evil than any “normal” person who protects their inner world fiercely.
4. They didn’t develop like you and me.
That one is actually correct.
If you and I did not experience trauma, at least, that makes it correct.
Did you see the post in the Linktree list “2 Principles of a Good Marriage”? I suggest you do because the list of what is included in trauma may surprise you.
In Richard C. Schwartz’s book, “You Are The One You’ve Been Waiting For,” he has a perfect description of a narcissist. The man is an “important” doctor who is mean to everyone. When his wife threatens to leave unless he gets therapy, he reluctantly goes to Dr. Schwartz.
To cut through a very long description of the therapy, a day comes when the doctor is able to be vulnerable in front of his therapist. Dr. Schwartz asks him to approach his “exiled child” – the part of him that he wanted to not remember.
He then sees himself as a 7-year old whose parents are at war with each other, screaming and crying. They are oblivious to him. He runs outside to hide in a large cardboard box, shaking.
This was one of the many memories that he didn’t want to remember when he was being obnoxious before his wife threatened him.
The outcome was good. The man healed after “rescuing” the child of his memory and no longer showed the cluster of behaviors that people like to call narcissistic.
But this is a typical case of the outcome of trauma which is a far more accurate description of why people act in ways that are totally socially unacceptable from using drugs, to self-harm, to aggression, to depression.
5. If you’re married to one, you need to divorce them.
No, you don’t.
But you do need one thing: Courage.
Because people with deep hurts – whether from seeing parents fight or seeing a parent taken away to the hospital, or heaven knows what else – do not want to go there.
Yet if they don’t get HEALED, the marriage will suffer. And the abuse won’t stop. A traumatized person’s protectors (call it coping mechanisms if you want) will do anything to keep a distance from others. That makes them think they’re emotionally safe.
And here lies the solution ^^^. As much as parts of them want to keep a distance from people, other parts want the connection (usually).
So if the “narcissist” (I really hate that word) you know wants you/wants the marriage, have Courage to MAKE them to start working with our team. I don’t know who else on the planet can get results like we do with people that have this label.
We earn their trust; they like us. We treat them with respect and without blame. We help them start to uncover the good inside them that they didn’t even know was there. When people feel good about themselves, they have the space to feel good about others.
That’s how we do it, in a nutshell. (For the longer version, please go to the Guides for the Linktree list and start watching the replays and reading the posts.)
