Here’s my answer:There’s no reason to actually try to change someone who is already good, kind, generous, wise, and connected.
That doesn’t sound like anybody you know, right?
But it is.
See, here is what I believe – and my team believes – and some very specific and wonderful therapists who practice Internal Family Systems (IFS) believe:
People are good.
All of us, underneath, are good. We’re able to see, to intuit, to get each other, to take in the big picture, to be kind, caring, and compassionate. All of us.
Yes, even the challenging person you married.
The problem is that these fine and wonderful characteristics are hidden under a mountain of defenses and coping skills that we call “parts.”
The mountain is so deep, so busy with parts that get easily triggered that usually the people themselves don’t even know they are so wonderful.
When I get them in a quiet and honest moment, they often say they don’t like themselves. Or that they’re terribly unhappy. Or numb.
They don’t realize that there is more to them underneath all those protective parts. In fact, that is why they will often say, “This is who I am.”
Uhhhh, actually, it’s not.
It’s certainly part of who they are. But it is not the core essence of who they are. Like an iceberg, most of who we are is hidden.
We human beings are complex creatures. But one thing we are not is robots.
Parts (defenses) that we know so well act like robots. They get triggered and…boom!…they react.
Doesn’t it make sense that there has to be more to humans than that? Something deeper? Something that considers what’s around us and responds with a view to the big picture? Something that doesn’t just react?
I think so.
And that is the essence of Internal Family Systems (IFS), an approach to helping people that is not judgmental and not blaming, but is healing.
The idea is that when each person can relate to themselves with interest, curiosity, and kindness, it will be a snap to relate to others that way.
So with compassion and patience, we help people who react as if they were robots, just responding to triggers automatically, to discover their true Self under the layers of those parts (defenses).
It turns out that every single person who resisted discovering who they really are is glad they did. Every one. That’s been my experience.
Okay, you’re probably wondering where the change comes in: How do they go from reacting to having patience and kindness?
That is easy to explain and actually not that hard to do although it can take time, like learning to play piano or sing on key or belt out a home run or make a soufflé that doesn’t fall.
It’s what the builder and creator of IFS calls Self Leadership.
Here’s the deal: Our parts are not bad although they can act like little kids having a temper tantrum.
In fact, they usually appeared in our lives when we were kids. They came to protect us when life was tough and we didn’t know what else to do in order to cope. The adults were not able to teach us how to handle the tragedies and traumas of childhood.
So we developed methods on our own. What else could we do? They became our coping methods, our “parts.”
But they act just like little kids. Of course they do. We were little kids when we developed them.
Now here is the beautiful part of this: Little kids, or teens or whatever age the parts are, do not want to do all this work. Think of it: Yelling and having a temper tantrum takes work.
Even feeling depressed and down drains our energy.
Slamming out the door and going for a drink eat away at our vitality, our joy in life.
Are you with me so far?
So these parts of us that are on automatic really are tired. They’ve been shooting from the hip for years and years. It takes a toll. They would love to have a different, easier job. After all, they missed a happy childhood.
What they’d want is to run and play.
To laugh from the heart.
To just enjoy living.
The Self – your Self – has everything it needs to run the show. Really. When you’re not on automatic, you know what makes sense. And you have the time to think things through to figure out what information you need when you aren’t quite sure.
But….
Can your automatic parts trust you to do that? After all, they’ve been running your life forever. How do they know you’ll be a good leader?
Another way of saying this, from a neurological perspective, is that the old neuronal pathways keep firing automatically. How can you get them to stop?
Key word: Disruption.
When we disrupt the automatic firing of neurons, we create the opportunity for new pathways to be created.
Our brains were designed to be adaptive and flexible. They can do that.
All that’s needed is a new thought, a new vision, a new perspective.
That’s where Self energy can shine.
Once we’ve helped you access your Self, your Self simply has to talk to your parts and assure them that YOU can, indeed, handle your challenges.
It’s that simple.
That is when the Self takes charge.
That is when your parts can relax and go play.
And you will tell when it happens. Easily.
Because you will feel a lightness inside. A lifting of burdens, a joy in just being alive.
And once you’ve experienced it, you will want more of it.
It’s a high that outdoes any drug you can take or imagine.
So, no, no one has to change. All that has to happen is a careful uncovering of the hidden Self.
With all the love and appreciation for who you really are that goes with it.
Who else wants the tools to get there?
