I posted a question on Tuesday, What’s Your Obstacle For Not Taking The Coaching Course? And someone gave what I think is a great answer – How do I know it will work for me?
Now to answer that correctly, we need to start with the problem, right? Not all marriage problems are equal.
So I want to break marriage problems down into 2 basic kinds: The kind where people can access Self energy and the kind where there is very little Self energy.
If you’ve been in this group a while, then you have been exposed to this concept but I’m going to go over it here.
Here are some basic facts about Self-energy:
1. We were all born with it. No one needs it explained or taught. This means that even when we had bad parenting growing up, we were still born with a soul that was not damageable.
2. If we suffered trauma growing up, we developed protectors (coping mechanisms) that helped us survive. Those same survival techniques may no longer serve us but they spring into action very fast when triggered.
3. These survival mechanisms that get triggered sometimes cover up and hide our Self energy.
4. To know whether you have Self energy, here is a list of qualities you’d see in someone who has it:
Calm, connection, compassion, confidence, clarity, courage, creativity, curiosity, presence, patience, persistence, perspective, playfulness, wisdom, love, intuition, joy, kindness, gratitude, honesty, giving, and openheartedness.
Obviously, no one has all this all the time. But you can find many of these often enough in people who do.
5. A person with Self energy can hear what you say and take it in without being defensive.
6. A person with Self energy has no agenda. They may have healthy goals but the goal never takes over the way an agenda does.
So let’s say Marge and Mitch have an argument.
Mitch may feel attacked, but if he has a large amount of Self energy, he may start to wonder what led Marge to say what she did.
He may even think to himself that maybe, possibly she has a point.
If he has some, but not a lot of Self energy, he may get mad and then think it over for an hour or two and realize that maybe she had a point.
If he has very little Self-energy, he won’t get to that last step of thinking she had a point.
Instead, he will be reactive.
Let’s define “Reactive”
Anyone doing something other than taking in and digesting what he heard is reactive. This could include any addiction, temper tantrums, and other forms of escape such as work or video watching to excess.
Being reactive also could include feeling depressed and getting down on oneself. It could include feeling like a victim.
The point here is that all of these reactions to some degree are normal. The questions are: How long do you sit in this reactive place?
When you get out of it, do you realize that you need to address something or do you sweep it under the rug?
How often does this occur? If it’s every day it’s one thing, and if it’s once a month it’s another thing. Or somewhere in between.
And how intense is the reaction? Someone stepping outside to think for a while and maybe take a walk is not the same as someone hitting the bar all night.
And is there Self energy after the reaction is over?
The more reactive a person is, the more personal attention they need from a therapist.
Do You Need Coaching or Therapy?
Here’s a principle that I stand by: Everyone can be helped. I believe this because the methods inherent in IFS (Internal Family Systems) are deep healing methods and have been proven to work.
Furthermore, as a human being, I truly believe that healing is here on this planet to help people with broken hearts. We were not put here to suffer with no remedy.
But the question then becomes, what kind of healing process is best?
Well, I am a therapist so I’m biased towards therapy. That said, most therapy is junk and most therapists don’t seem to know what they’re doing. That, unfortunately, is what I’ve seen.
(See my various posts in our group and on my blog over the years on Qualities of A Good Therapist.)
But I am super impressed with IFS and have been adding it on to whatever I was already doing as a Marriage & Family Therapist and I am blown away by the results.
(Go to the video library on my website to watch the replays on IFS to understand it better.)
So I created a very intensive 4-month program of learning, coaching, and therapy called the Immersion Experience, and that would suit everyone but it would be especially helpful for highly reactive people.
The intense therapy (more than once a week at times in the program) moves to an experience of healing the hurt and traumatized parts of each person so that they no longer feel that urge to act out anymore.
However, for couples (or individuals) with more of that Self-energy and less of the reactiveness, the Coaching programs will be an excellent way to get the help and healing you need. It is also 4 months long.
The Coaching program has the exact same learning videos to watch as the Immersion Experience. The Coaching program is in a group zoom setting with me checking in with each person on what they’ve learned and asking questions to see if the videos are clear and helpful.
People with some Self energy will be able to discover their own protectors and feel their Self energy when it washes over them but that process will be aided by me in the twice-a-week coaching sessions.
The deep healing of therapy with the contact with exiled memories and unburdening of one’s hurt inner children will only be possible in the therapy program, which is the Immersion Experience.
That said, anyone taking the Coaching program and wanting to then go to the Immersion Experience will basically get the Coaching for free as the full amount will be credited toward the Immersion Experience program.
To really know if you are a fit for the coaching program, beyond what I’ve explained above, just reach out in the comments and the three of us can have a quick 15-min chat.