This woman was talking to me about her daughter’s atrocious acting-out behavior. “True,” she said, “my husband was verbally abusive to her. But it didn’t happen every day. She should move on!”I was in shock for a moment.
Then I came to myself, and asked her how she feels when he calls her a “moron.”She laughed.
“Frankly,” she said, “I’m numb.”
Well that answers that.
Of course she can’t feel her daughter’s pain. She doesn’t even feel her own pain. So, yeah, “move on” is the kind of thing you think when all you want is peace.When all you want is to stop the explosions or the deadness at dinner around the dining room table.
This woman, let’s call her Charlotte, reminds me of the things that happen when you get a novocain for the dentist. It’s all well and good while your teeth are being drilled, but later, when you go home and you realize you’re hungry, you’re in serious danger of biting your cheeks or your tongue because you can’t feel anything.I’d call Charlotte a pain sponge.
You know what?
Self-numbing is not any different from drinking or any other addiction to keep the pain away.Except, of course, none of them work.
On the one hand she thinks she’s keeping the pain away by numbing. On the other hand, she’s in danger of taking on more pain because she doesn’t feel anything. This is exactly what happens with addicts: They use their drug of choice, whether it’s working too hard at the office, or tempers, or gambling, or shopping, or substances, or watching porn, to blot out pain . . .. . . and then . . .
. . . when the car crashes or they say something they shouldn’t or they have a fling while under the influence because the cause of the pain is still there . . .
. . . they just made their situation worse.
Now, you could legitimately ask me, “So, DrDeb, you want Charlotte to be in pain?”Well, yes, actually.
If you’re in contact with yourself, with your feelings, there are a lot of benefits.One is that you can tell what’s going on so you can take better care of yourself. When you’re numb, you miss your cues.
When you miss your cues, you think, like Charlotte did, that being called a “moron” by your partner in life is no big deal. You can’t tell that it’s not.Another problem from not feeling pain is that you have no empathy for anyone else, either. I told Charlotte that her daughter will act out even more – if that were possible – until someone validates the abuse she’s received and still getting.
Don’t gloss over it, I told her. Feel it. Let her know it’s wrong, terrible, and you won’t tolerate it any more for her.And the biggest benefit of all for feeling your pain is that you have the capacity to feel joy.
Because Charlotte admitted that she was not happy in her marriage.Well, yeah…
Who would be happy in a situation like that?
Even people trying to blot out their pain can’t possibly be.
But, see, with her heart in a fuddle, she can’t pinpoint what’s missing. She can’t connect the dots: Oh, how he’s speaking to me really does hurt. And it shows how disconnected we are. And if I’m in a marriage, obviously I’d want to be connected.But I sure don’t want to be connected to someone like that.
Then again, once your head and your heart are clear because you feel your feelings, you can come up with a solution: What if he were to completely change? What if his behavior not only reversed itself, but what if he realized how awful it was?What if he woke up?
What if he could apologize from the heart?
And we could be connected?
What if I could get over my resentment, my hate?
What if…
These things really are possible. Go see the videos in the Guides from real clients. There are many more people like that, hundreds, actually.Do you believe it’s possible?
I resonate with Charlotte. I am a pain sponge as well. After all of the wrongful accusations, disrespect and insults I have received from my husband, I too have become numb. But I know that that is not truly who I am, and I will explode once again because I need resolutions. I just don’t know when that explosion is coming. Yes, I totally believe it can change, only if both parties come to the table and discuss the issue. It is impossible when my husband claims he has no issues and does not allow me to have a voice in this matter. It is his perceptions and his perceptions only that are allowed. Until he is willing to look internally, nothing can change. And that is the way his parents were. They were married, but never discussing anything, all matters brushed under the rug and they ultimately died that way. Were things “peaceful” – I guess but not by my definitions, I could always feel the coldness around my in-laws. And now my husband, who said long ago, he never wanted to become his parents in any of their ways, has actually become them.