Marriage is either an opportunity or a bludgeon, beating to death everything that is you:
- When it’s an opportunity, there’s a give and take that is so awesome, it’s breathtaking.
- Both people get to thrive and grow and become who they were meant to be.
- They’re thrilled to be on that ride together and they’re still in love decades later.
- They still are excited to see each other at the end of the day.
- Dinner is a fun time to share and decompress. And the after-dinner dessert in the bedroom is still as passionate as it was thirty years earlier.
And this is based on solid research, by the way. No pie-in-the-sky here.
That kind of love is what you wanted, wasn’t it?
But when it’s a bludgeon:
- You’re beaten down.
- You won’t or can’t express yourself. Either you’re afraid it will lead to a fight. . .
- . . .or you don’t even know who you are any more.
- You’ve lost touch with yourself.
- Or it will fall on deaf ears. Ears that come with a blank stare and you know it wasn’t worth the effort.
So you’re kind of a zombie going through your days. That disconnected quality may alternate with moments of anger and lashing out.
But that doesn’t improve your mood; it only makes it worse. You’re miserable and the marriage is not helping.
You’re no longer sure if it’s you or them. Maybe the marriage caused it; maybe you brought it into the marriage.
It’s too hard to separate out all the pieces anymore.
You’d like to get in the car and just keep going. Where? Any way but here and anything but this.
So, I’m telling you, there is a way out.
Let’s get back to the vision of a marriage that works. There are some things going on when it works that are absolutely necessary for good marriages:
- You’re each clear-headed. You know who you are, what you feel, what you want.
- You’re able to say what you want without it being taken wrong.
- You’re able to negotiate difficult wants and needs without getting angry, sad, frustrated or lost.
- You can do all that without losing your respect for and enjoyment of the person you’re with.
Why is that? How do couples do that? How come they can remain clear-headed and not get triggered? Why aren’t they hurt by this stuff? Why don’t they take these discussions personally?
The answer to every question is the same: They know, love, value, and appreciate themselves.
When you have all that, you can hear without taking things wrong.
You can listen openly and with interest. That, and being calm and centered even in difficult discussions.
And that, of course, goes for both people.
Now, you can look at your partner and think to yourself that he/she is stifling me! Or you can recognize that your own insecurities or anger issues or whatever have also stood in the way of getting you where you want to go.
So the responsibility lies on both of you to decide to be the people you were meant to be . . .
. . . the people who are waiting to burst out of their shells with the right support and the right tools just when you need them.
You have this in you, this desire to grow and be more than anything that has limited you so far.
Does this resonate with you?
Then you may be interested in my 12-week intensive group and personal coaching program with 1:1 and joint therapy combined with an educational component that is foundational for healthy communication in the marriage.
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