Have you ever been told that if you want real love and you’re in a dead marriage, the best thing to do is divorce? That there is no way under the sun that two people who no longer love each other can ever be happy again, let alone fall in love – with each other – again?
Lots of people believe this. But the other partner – the one who does not want to end the marriage – is at a loss for what to do or what to say.
Let me save you some pain and suffering.
As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I started to get shocked when people came to me telling me that they were told – by therapists! – that they needed to end the marriage. I had been making the silly assumption that therapists believed in marriage. Not true, apparently.
In fact, there is a new type of therapy called “Discernment Counseling” which is meant to help you decide whether the marriage really is over. And – here’s the odd part – that counseling only takes place with two people sitting in front of the counselor together to discuss it.
Wait a minute. You’re telling me that the two people came in together and perhaps the marriage won’t work? They’re talking. They’re there to discuss, to learn, to grow. And you’re telling me that the answer could be that the marriage is over?
You know where this kind of take on marriage comes from?
Ignorance.
Yes, I am very sorry to say that many of my therapy colleagues really do not have the tools to help suffering marriages not only heal – but be wonderful. So in the face of their own ignorance – which they don’t even know they have – they tell couples to forget it.
And I’m not the only one saying this. A well-known solution-focused therapist, Michelle Wiener-Davis (of Divorce-Busting fame) says it too. Just google You Tube with her name and this title: When Couples Therapy Is A Bad Idea.
Now, you might say, “Okay, those therapists could do better. But surely, you can’t say the same thing about situations where one person comes in alone, can you?”
Actually, I can.
The statistics are in on that one for many years. If a therapist is poorly trained in understanding the dynamics of marriage, they are likely to believe the person sitting in front of them. After all, their story makes sense, right? They didn’t hear the other side. They hear about the yelling or the put downs. They don’t hear about how the person sitting in front of them falsely accused them, taunted them, ignored them, turned down their request for affection, or won’t even talk to them. That side of the story they don’t hear.
The reality is far more than “there are two sides to everything.” “Sides” implies two separate shapes. The reality of the downward spiral is that the shape is one of deep connection – even though it’s toxic. It’s more like a circle than something that has “sides.” One person affects the other’s responses and the other’s responses generate further responses, and so it goes.
Then of course, there are all the self-help books telling you what to do to repair the marriage. I wrote one myself – which was an Amazon best seller – and nevertheless, I am here to say that self-help books are not the answer, either. I believed that if only I could give people tools, they could turn their marriages around. I mean, isn’t that what books are for – right – to learn from?
But what really happens from reading self-help books?
First of all, it is estimated that people will only finish a third to a half of a book, and it could be less. Even people who love to read admit that half the books they own don’t even get picked up. There’s just too much information out there that competes for attention.
And even if the book is read, who can give feedback to the reader that he or she is following the practices in the book correctly? Not only that, the person may not even know which book or which exercises are applicable to him (or her).
I believe it is for these reasons that people give up. They don’t know where to turn. If therapy doesn’t help, what will? If self-help books don’t help, what will? And certainly, turning around a marriage that is falling apart is not something to try on one’s own. After all, that hasn’t worked.
This is why the divorce rate is hovering around fifty percent. And second marriages have an even higher divorce rate, around two-thirds.
As a therapist trying to help people get to a place of happiness in their lives, this is all kind of discouraging. In fact, if I had to be honest, the profession of therapy itself presents a problem – even when the therapist is highly skilled in hearing both sides, being unbiased, and having wonderful tools for people to be able to make radical changes in their lives.
The problem?
People get tired of a long, drawn-out process and they give up. Therapists are stuck. After all, it does take time to learn new skills and incorporate them into your life. How could therapists condense the time and make the process exciting rather than a drag?
That’s why I developed a program that is a cross between a course and therapy. It’s got the elements of learning from a course, plus the accountability, feedback, and support that therapy gives. Best of all, people are happy to do the work because they see their goals on the horizon.
Which loops me around to falling in love again – with your own spouse.
Yes, it is absolutely possible. So what are the right tools that require the precision of a course and the guidance of a therapist? Tools for:
- Knowing your own self and valuing it – because you can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself
- Knowing how to express yourself to get heard and understood – but also knowing how to listen and understand
- Knowing how to handle the bumps in the road with grace and equanimity
- Apologizing from the bottom of your heart – so it is deeply believed and restores broken trust
- Learning to enjoy becoming a giver – not out of neediness but out of generosity of spirit
- Learning how to get in synch and connect
- Learning how to be brave enough to be vulnerable so as to restore intimacy
- And the other good stuff that goes into a fabulous marriage (which I can’t get into here)
In fact, the literature is full of studies on long-term marriages that got turned around from dull – or worse – to being “in” love again. It is, indeed, possible – and in a far shorter time than traditional therapy offers.
Does this mean any couple can be turned around? No. There is a caveat. I have found that there are two categories of people for whom this will not work: people who are stubborn and who are self-loathing.
Stubborn and arrogant people will not listen to anything. They know better. So I’m afraid that is one category of person that will not benefit. The other category is people who seem to be irrational. You cannot talk to them because they are terrified at looking inside. Not far beneath the surface is self-loathing. You can try and be gentle but that process will take years and years, not weeks.
Stubbornness and arrogance may come from being raised in a home where the child was god and could do no wrong. There were no punishments, no feedback, no requests for him or her to consider the feelings of others.
Self-loathing is pretty plain as to its origin. It comes from being raised in a home were the only messages reflected back to the child were his or her inadequacies.
So now you do not have to go to discernment counseling to find out if the marriage is fixable. You cannot reach people who are in either of these categories.
But for couples who are totally committed to making positive changes by learning and growing and are willing to self-reflect – yes, it is eminently possible to fall in love with each other again. Book a free call and learn how. https://drdeb.com/book