Have you ever been told that if you want real love and you’re in a dead marriage, the best thing
to do is divorce? That there is no way under the sun that two people who no longer love each
other can ever be happy again, let alone fall in love – with each other – again?
Lots of people believe this. But the other partner – the one who does not want to end the marriage
– is at a loss for what to do or what to say.
As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I started to get shocked when people came to me telling me
that they were told – by therapists! – that they needed to end the marriage. I had been making the
silly assumption that marriage counselors believed in marriage. Not true, apparently.
You know where this kind of take on marriage comes from?
Ignorance.
Yes, I am very sorry to say that many of my therapy colleagues really do not have the tools to
help suffering marriages not only heal – but be wonderful. So in the face of their own ignorance –
which they don’t even know they have – they tell couples to forget it.
And I’m not the only one saying this. A well-known solution-focused therapist, Michelle Wiener-
Davis says it too. Just google You Tube with her name and this title: When Couples Therapy Is
A Bad Idea.
Now, you might say, “Okay, those therapists could do better. But surely, you can’t say the same
thing about situations where one person comes in alone, can you?”
Actually, I can.
The statistics are in on that one for many years. If a therapist is poorly trained in understanding
the dynamics of marriage, they are likely to believe the person sitting in front of them. After all,
their story makes sense, right?
BUT they didn’t hear the other side. They didn’t hear about the yelling or the put downs. They
don’t hear about how the person sitting in front of them falsely accused them, taunted them,
ignored them, turned down their request for affection, or won’t even talk to them.
That side of the story they don’t hear.
The reality is far more than “there are two sides to everything.” The reality is a downward spiral,
not a side. And it’s toxic. But the counselors do not ask how each person triggers the other. The
only “bad” one is the one not in the room. Let’s make them responsible for the mess!
Then of course, there are all the self-help books telling you what to do to repair the marriage. I
wrote one myself – which was an Amazon best seller – and nevertheless, I am here to say that
self-help books are not the answer, either. I believed that if only I could give people tools, they
could turn their marriages around. I mean, isn’t that what books are for – right – to learn from?
But what really happens from reading self-help books?
First of all, it is estimated that people will only finish a third to a half of a book, and it could be
less. Even people who love to read admit that half the books they own don’t even get picked up.
There’s just too much information out there that competes for attention.
And even if the book is read, who can give feedback to the reader that he or she is following the
practices in the book correctly? Not only that, the person may not even know which book or
which exercises are applicable to him (or her).
I believe it is for these reasons that people give up. They don’t know where to turn. If therapy
doesn’t help, what will? If self-help books don’t help, what will? And certainly, turning around a
marriage that is falling apart is not something to try on one’s own. After all, that hasn’t worked.
This is why the divorce rate is hovering around fifty percent. And second marriages have an even
higher divorce rate, around two-thirds.
The profession of therapy itself presents a problem – even when the therapist is highly skilled in
hearing both sides, being unbiased, and having wonderful tools for people to be able to make
radical changes in their lives.
The problem?
People get tired of a long, drawn-out process and they give up. Therapists are stuck.
Which loops me around to falling in love again – with your own spouse.
Yes, it is absolutely possible.
But not with traditional therapy. Not with the coaching programs out there either.
In fact, the literature is full of studies on long-term marriages that got turned around from dull –
or worse – to being “in” love again. It is, indeed, possible – and in a far shorter time than
traditional therapy offers.
Does this mean any couple can be turned around? No. There is a caveat. It takes work. You’ve
gotta be willing to listen, roll up your sleeves and do the work. But if you want happiness, it’s
well worth it.
After all, what can be better than falling in love with each other again? It’s within reach.
Book a free call and learn how – https://drdeb,com/book