Did you know that right now, it’s possible for you to fall in love — with each other — again?
I’ll explain how in just a second.
But first, let’s talk about why so many people think this is impossible.
The truth is that you’ve been LET DOWN.
Let down by so many marriage counseling “experts” who want you to believe that sitting and arguing with each other or complaining to the therapist is the key to fixing your marriage.
And on the surface, I get it. It sounds good!
After all, if the therapist doesn’t know how you really are when you’re together, how is he supposed to know what needs fixing? And if he doesn’t know what you perceive to be the problem, how does he know what it is?
But let me just come right out and say it: This marriage counseling approach is DUMB. Here’s why:
- If you spend an hour “practicing” how angry and upset you are, you will come out of there more angry and upset than you were when you went in.
- If you spend that hour learning nothing new about how to love and be in love with each other, you also will come out hopeless.
- If all you do is express negative feelings, your brain literally hard-wires those negative feelings in deeper, so that as you go forward, the negative will spread to everything in your life. You might end up in depression.
(Then someone will prescribe pills for that. Don’t let me go there.)
But the biggest reason of all is that you will give up on the marriage and on your dream of a beautiful, long, happy life together …and that’s an absolute tragedy because it doesn’t have to be that way.
The cost to you – emotionally and economically – of divorce is too great to allow that to happen, not to mention the emotional cost to your children of living in a shattered family.
So if that’s the old and DUMB way…what’s my new and SMART way?
Simple: Get the tools with complete accountability. Did you ever have a therapist text you at 10 PM to answer your question? I don’t think so. But if you need an answer, isn’t that level of care on the part of the coach/therapist helpful?
So, skip over the arguments altogether. Don’t even bother discussing the highly charged topics because that will always end up with butting heads. Now is not – yet – the time to “work on the marriage.”
Instead learn every skill necessary to have the ideal. beautiful, romantic, joyous marriage you need before you even try to discuss anything with each other. And your coach (me) will know how you’re doing (and what you’re missing) every step of the way.
Here’s why this is BRILLIANT:
When you have the skills first, you have the means to communicate successfully before you try to get into heavy discussions.
When you are learning the skills, there is no pressure whatsoever on you. You don’t have to prove points, get understood, or anything. You are stress free.
Most important: Because each person is learning separately, all blame and finger pointing is eliminated.
And the best part is that this whole process will build your self-love and your self-esteem at the same time … and that’s what’s going to enable you to succeed spectacularly in acquiring the tools to really, deeply relate to your spouse — without any downside whatsoever.
Do you see how powerful that is? Once you know the tools, you can get past the pain, get to know each other in a new, deeper way, be vulnerable, and respect with amazement the miles you have both come on this journey.
Okay, DrDeb. So what are these tools you keep speaking about, anyway?
*Inner Authority. This is the foundation on which everything else is built: Knowing who you are. Knowing your feelings, your wants, your needs, and what causes those feelings to change. It’s knowing yourself.
*Emotional Agility. One of the things you need to know in order to heal is what triggers you. We all get disturbed by certain things. We can hide it, even from ourselves – but it is doomed to come out somehow anyway. So this part of the program is to get clear on it. And to take the next step – conquer it. We can’t go through life having hurt feelings or exploding, or being depressed because something triggered all that. We need to have tools to make those feelings sweetly dissipate. Without sweeping the dust under the rug.
*Intentional Self-Adoration. We suffer from limiting beliefs. We know who we are but don’t like who we are. That’s got to change. The road to change is intentional. We learn to disarm harmful messages buried within ourselves. We intentionally replace those with the self-love and even adoration that is rightfully ours. Developing this self-compassion readies us for the next step.
*Compassionate Honesty. The strong framework of the above three pillars of the program gets us past resentment and bitterness. We now can clearly, honestly, and openly communicate in an assertive way what we think, want, need, feel, and offer. But it is filtered through a heart of compassion. This is key for a relationship and it deepens the connection between you. This is how you get the marriage you want out of first developing Self Love.
All delivered in a 9-week intensive group and private therapy/coaching hybrid called Love Yourself.
And how does anyone learn all that?
With daily written, verbal, and thinking exercises, as well as exercises to change your body’s state (for Emotional Agility). By the time you get to Compassionate Honesty, you’ve laid the foundation to have a good conversation, one of depth and kindness – and truth. Those three together: depth, kindness, and truth, are the foundation of intimacy. And we make sure you do all the work, too, with the Accountability System that I have in place!
Here’s the thing, though: no one else is teaching this. And the ones that are trying, are missing all the key points.
I’d love to talk you about how you can use this idea to completely save your marriage quickly.
Call me if you’re sick and tired of the same old same old and you finally want results! https://drdeb.com/book And note that when you book a call with me, you will learn what no one else has told you about yourself: the real causes of the breakdown in your marriage. Then we will map out a strategy for correcting it. Simple?
When you’ve booked, be sure to fill out the application that is on another page you will be taken to. That info will help us in our meeting and it probably saves 20 min of talk time.