This guy was pretty unhappy. He said he didn’t want to think about the possibility that his wife would end the marriage. He spoke with great pain about that fight they had in which the horrible “D” word was uttered. As we were going through the call and I was trying to understand the chronology of how things went down, I made the — incorrect — assumption that this bad fight had happened in the last few days.
Wrong.
“So when did this happen?” I casually asked about a half hour later.
“Oh, that was two years ago.”
What????
Two years ago???
“Why did you wait til now to reach out to me?”
“Well, I thought things would get better.”
How? How could things get better when you do not know what made them bad? How can things get better when very clearly your wife must have been frantic with pain and frustration two years ago?
And *did* things get better?
Of course not. Why would they? He described the icy wall he lives behind, the things that maybe she was doing that he was terrified to look into further.
GUYS, WAKE UP!!
The women are tired of waiting for you to not step up to the plate.
If only that were the only man who said the same things. But it seems like droves of them are doing the exact same thing — which is nothing.
Waiting.
Hoping things will change based on absolutely no new learning, no new behaviors, no new attitudes, no new demonstration of a willingness to get help.
My hair is turning gray from these men! And I imagine their wives’ hair is too.
Oh, yes, there is one step they often take to show they want things different. They say, “Come to marriage counseling with me.” Well, I have news for you, men: The women aren’t going for the same reason that they aren’t explaining to you what the problem is and that happens to be the same reason that they have built a wall and are heading out the door:
They want YOU to be the man.
The man knows what to do. The man takes leadership. The man understands their needs. The man understands his own needs and how to articulate them. The man “gets” them at the deepest core. The man takes action immediately to resolve the problem. The man does not wait two years to get around to reaching out for help.
How did men get this way?
I think they’re afraid to be aggressive. And that is the good part. They should NOT be aggressive. That would be like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. One guy explains that his mother yelled a lot so he learned to cow to women early in life.
Another man explains that his mom left the family so he is terrified of making a move that will scare off his wife. I get that, but his non-move is chasing away his wife.
A third man tells me his father just “took it” from his mother and that is all he knows.
Men, it’s time to learn differently.
It’s time to become different.
You cannot remain a wilting lily. You cannot remain scared of being who you were meant to be. You cannot sit back and keep expecting your wife to do the heavy lifting in the relationship. It’s not going to happen. Her muscles weren’t made for that. You’ve got to learn to do it.
If you don’t, the thing you fear most will happen. And it will happen because of you.
It’s better to face your fears and be the man. Without aggression, of course.
If that puzzles you, I get it. Book a call to get some help. But, please, do not bother if you can’t make a decision. Do not bother if you will not be 100% committed to making the changes you need to make. So, yes, part of the change must take place before you book: Plan to become the decisive, committed person you were meant to be. https://drdeb.com/book