“We just can’t communicate,” Alice complained.
Victor was staring at a spot on the ceiling. He was not comfortable at all.
And the worst part of this scene is that Terra, the therapist, will not be able to help.
The reason?
Although Alice thinks the problem is communication, it’s not. And Terra never learned that.
When a bridge collapses, it means the structure wasn’t sound.
Couples communication must be built on a sound structure too.
There are six reasons why, no matter how many communication skills Alice and Victor learn, they will not do well.
They need to build their foundation first.
We will cover two reasons in this post and the others in coming posts.
Reason #1: Victim Thinking
Victim thinking means that someone feels like they’re being attacked when they aren’t.
So for example, Alice says, “I would like more affection.”
Now, this is a pretty reasonable request. In fact, it is a normal and healthy part of marriage. Why isn’t she getting more affection? Is she a nag? Is she always angry? Is she mean? Those are some good reasons why maybe Victor isn’t giving her affection.
But what if none of those things apply? What if she does not have a temper, and doesn’t nag?
So what’s going on?
Well, the problem here is that Victor filters everything through a lens of Victimhood. Everything.
So, what Victor hears Alice say is, “You rotten person for not giving me affection!”
Now Victor has an excuse to be really mad. He thinks, “I earn the money, I help with the kids, I even do grocery shopping! How can she be so critical and unkind?”
Can you see what happened here? Clever Victor the Victim. Do you see how he avoided the issue of his lack of affection?
He doesn’t want to look at himself.
There is no way Alice could say it differently to get heard and get a response. There is absolutely nothing in Alice’s power to make a difference. The power, at this moment, lies with Victor.
Can anyone help?
Of course. But it’s not communication skills that Victor needs. He needs to build up his self-love.
That has to be so strong that he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is a wonderful human being who is worth loving. And therefore, when he hears Alice’s request, he can defeat that victim thought like a Jedi.
Reason #2: Someone Tunes Out
Another person that the most talented communicator on Earth would not succeed with is the spouse who shuts down.
All the right, gentle, loving, patient, communicating that follows all the rules of doing it right won’t help when the person you’re talking to is not listening.
So Lewis tries to tell Leslie that he wants more time with her and it falls on deaf ears.
The reason for this started when Leslie was about six years old. All she heard was criticism, so she learned young that not listening is exactly what she needed to do to survive.
However, the tricky part of this is that Leslie, the non-Listener, doesn’t even know that she’s doing this.
See, the brilliant part of our brains is that we leave most of what needs to be done on automatic. So Leslie, the non-Listener wouldn’t be aware that decades ago, she learned to not listen. The whole process is totally automatic for her.
What is even worse is that Lewis will eventually lose his patience. He will get angry. And then guess what? Why, Leslie now has the perfect excuse to not listen! Look how nasty Lewis is!
This couple, too, will not benefit from learning communication skills because Leslie will drop back automatically into her non-listening mode.
The real problem is the toxic messages in the back of her mind.
She needs to annihilate them.
How?
Here is how we Tame Your Triggers:
- Meditation (calms your thoughts and your body)
- Distress Tolerance (once-upsetting thoughts no longer bother you)
- Re-imagining (you see things in a different light and you are changed forever by it)
- Self-leadership inner work (when we recognize that parts of us have taken over, our reactions are no longer automatic)
If Leslie gets on board with this, the communication will automatically improve.
Are these things difficult to learn?
-Not at all
Does it take time and thought to make them a daily habit?
-Yes!
If you’re the kind of person who puts your shoulder to the wheel, then you can do it!
If this sounds like your life, talk to me. But definitely talk to me together.
I cannot help Victor if only Alice calls. And I cannot help Leslie if only Lewis calls. I need you both on that call to figure out if I’ve got it right – and to see if Victor and Leslie are up for working on it.
We can discuss my 12 week intensive group and personal coaching program including 1:1 and joint therapy and the educational component that teaches all of the above – and more.
If this program is right for you, you will never be plagued with victim thinking or tuning out again. Then you will have good communication.
To get deeper into this information, please join my private group right here on Facebook and get a free gift
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