It’s the men who are contented and the women who are not.As I said in my last post, studies indicate that 70% of people who file for divorce are women.
And if you think I’m railing against men for not being tuned into their wives, you’re not correct.
After all, every man had a mother. And it is the mothers – and the dads – who are responsible for a boy’s emotional attunement as a child, or the lack of it.
I’m not blaming parents. They did the best they could. They may not have realized themselves what the long-term effects would be of how they raised their sons.
Terrence Real, a therapist, writes about this from the point of view of his personal experience. I read one of his books, “How Do I Get Through To You” and I recommend it for a good insight into how men are raised in this society.
(The therapy process is okay; not as strong as Internal Family Systems.)
The bottom line is that men are taught not to feel; it isn’t “manly.” How it became not manly, I don’t know, but that is the attitude in our culture.
So if a child is hurt, he has to man up. If a child is emotionally hurt, instead of dealing with the emotions, he learns to brush his feelings under the rug.
Well, what happens if the child does this so long that he learns that the “bad” emotions don’t exist? How will he experience any emotions?
And more to the point, how will he begin to understand what his wife is talking about when she expresses her feelings?
He won’t.
And it gets worse.
Remember that he was given the message – subtle or not so subtle – to push away his “bad” feelings? Where did those feelings come from in the first place? Here are some possibilities:
1. a classmate bullied him
2. his father or mother scolded and shamed him for his behavior
3. he was treated unjustly by a parent or teacher
4. he was abused
5. he wasn’t doing well with his parent’s divorce or one parent’s illness
So here we have a case of insult compounding injury – and sending it all underground.
The child was mistreated or traumatized and then told to pretend the bad feelings of rage, objection, shame, and hurt don’t exist.
So what happens when the wife feels ignored or abandoned emotionally and lets him know?
The answer goes way beyond his pushing away feelings that he doesn’t understand. No, the answer begins with his becoming angry for bringing this up.
Why?
Because from his point of view, he did nothing wrong since he really didn’t understand what was expected of him.
After all, no one was emotionally attuned to him. How would he know to be sensitive to others?
So just bringing up a “mistake” which he deems totally unfair will trigger all the hidden rage, objection, shame, and hurt that he had to push down for fear of his parents’ wrath.
Or, in other cases, men are simply so numb by this point that the accusation feels bad but doesn’t trigger anything more than more numbness.
So why was he content before his wife started complaining?
Well, no one is picking on him! Or at least they weren’t before they started to voice a problem.
He is not made to feel bad about himself. He goes to work and feeds the family and feels like a Man for that. What else is needed?
The man’s emotional need consists of not being shamed. Period. Without shame, he’s happy.
It’s like the day a person sends out his taxes on April 15; he’s a free man! Unburdened. Relieved.
It’s not that he is happy. He is free of unhappiness.
But, see, he doesn’t know the difference because he never had the chance to experience happiness.
Happiness is not relief from trouble, after all. But he doesn’t know that.
So what can you do to engage him?
The answer depends on just how much of a fight he puts up to not get into the painful feelings.
If you are talking, then:
Step #1 is to get him to read and watch all the recommended material in the Linktree list. And you need to as well. You will love learning even more clearly who you are.(You should have a linktree list in your first Messenger message when you joined. If you never saw that, check your message request folder.
Step #2 is to continue the learning process by joining on the live zoom programs every Thursday or watching the replays, reading the posts, – and reaching out to me in messenger. There, you and he can ask me specific questions.
Step #3 As a member of this group, you’re entitled to a 15 min call with me on zoom, too. It’s so nice to actually “meet”!
But I will do this only after you’ve both educated yourselves as to how I work, what the goals are, what you can expect, and why it works.
And why it works better than the other known therapy modalities out there. So you’ve got to start with Steps #1 and #2.
When we meet, we can take a look at your options. One option is to work with me and my team. That work starts out with individual private sessions, group sessions, and more education. It then leads up to joint sessions when you’re both ready.
What if he won’t budge?
Some women have forced the situation: “Either do this or we’re done.”
You’d think this wouldn’t work because no one wants to be blackmailed. But it often does. The reason it does is because having a relationship with a nice, good, kind person (you) means the world to them.
You could object on the grounds that that is not your personality.
Maybe you’re right, and maybe not. Have you ever told your kids they need to do their homework before watching TV?
Or that they’d get a lolly if they let the doctor give them the shot they badly need to heal from illness?
Sometimes, we know better what is good for our loved ones – and ourselves – so we can force the issue with a clear heart.
A second option
Another option is for you to work alone with me and my team to get clearer and clearer on what you want. To paraphrase Bon Jovi, it’s your life. You won’t live forever so you may as well live while you’re alive.
What that means is different for each person.
The bottom line, though, is that if you get your guy on board, he will do a radical 180. He will be pleased to get to know who he really is, feelings and all. That, I guarantee.
