When Shelly was three, she saw her mother smashing dishes in the kitchen and she became very frightened. She heard her father’s loud voice and she ran and hid in the back of her closet. She loved that closet. It was so large that there was plenty of room for a little girl to grab her favorite stuffed animal and her blanket. In fact, she felt so safe, she fell asleep.
Two hours later when the chaos in the kitchen had calmed down, her mother noticed her missing and went looking for her. She found her in the closet and gently carried her to bed.
There were hundreds of examples of anger in her family. That is the way they “talked.” Shelly learned that language very well. She was no longer frightened ten years later. In fact, at 13, she was kind of directing traffic, having discovered the way to loosen the screen off of the bedroom window and climb out into the night. Freedom! Freedom to say what she wanted and be whom she wanted to be.
She hid behind cigarettes and anger.
“Don’t come near me” she broadcast to the world. And when she didn’t need to call upon anger, she could use sarcasm. She put her brother down lickety-split when he got out of line, too. That was the little brother that came after her, not long after her evening hiding in the closet. He was the one she protected until she realized he would turn on her in a second if it was in his interest to do so. Yeah, she learned quickly and easily how to protect herself. And laugh all the way. When she wasn’t exploding.
Things changed when it came to getting married. By 24, Shelly had “settled down.” She became an office manager, running quite a big side of the organization. She was efficient, organized, and goal directed. The company loved her and kept promoting her.
So did a cute guy, Reggie, an attorney that she developed an interest in. It seemed to work out nicely: they got married, had three children, brought in a decent living together.
Except that there were invisible walls between them.
Sex, for example, had to be on her terms – the rare moments when she was even interested. Funny how that all changed from the early days when she couldn’t keep her hands off of him.
What had happened?
Something in the marriage must have made Shelly feel unsafe. It’s that simple. When she’s unsafe, she hides.
But Reggie was the nicest guy. Nothing frightening like her father seemed to be. He never said a mean word. How could she not feel safe with him?
Maybe the key is Shelly’s own beliefs about love and marriage. In a moment of brutal honesty, when she let down her guard, she admitted, “When you love someone, you are going to get hurt. That’s what I learned growing up.”
Well, Shelly, can you let go of that? Can you allow yourself to be vulnerable?
I could ask a thousand people who feel just like Shelly and get the same answer from all of them: “I wish I could, but something is holding me back.”
That “something” of course is fear. At a very deep personal level, Shelly is afraid to let go. It’s totally understandable – she learned this lesson very early in life, and really, she never stopped learning that lesson. Until Reggie came along, she had no other experience but putting her guard up. Now she can’t put it down.
Shelly can force herself to act “as if” she was into it and not holding by her fingernails to the edge of the cliff, but that won’t work. We know why, too: People can tell. Reggie can tell.
So what’s Shelly supposed to do?
Should Reggie leave her?
He doesn’t want to. Something deep inside him is attracted to the real person under the protective front.
If Shelly were to work with me in my 12-week intensive group and personal coaching program with 1:1 and joint therapy, here is what she would learn and how she would actually transform into being the person she really is under the façade: She would Tame Her Triggers, which is knowing her feelings and her fears. Then she can gain physiological mastery over them so she’s no longer afraid of those things – and no longer triggered.
Then Shelly needs to take a look at her feelings about herself and change the bad ones into good. That’s Self-Validation and its possibly the most difficult part. Yet we already know that there was never something “wrong” with Shelly; she just wanted to be safe in an unsafe world. She even protected her little brother until he took advantage of her kindness and caring.
Finally, to be able to bring all this into a marriage, she needs to speak with Compassionate Honesty so that she can share her deep truths in a way that uplifts the marriage and deepens the connection. This is how you get the marriage you want out of first developing Self Love.
How do you do all that? With daily written, verbal, and thinking exercises, as well as exercises to change your body’s state (for Taming Your Triggers). By the time you get to Compassionate Honesty, you’ve laid the foundation to have a good conversation, one of depth and kindness – and truth. Those three together: depth, kindness, and truth, are the foundation of intimacy. And we make sure you do all the work, too, with the Accountability System that I have in place!
Is this all easy? No. But it is absolutely 100% do-able for those who want it. The proof is in all the successful graduates.
In a free consultation call, we will find out how, exactly, this scenario fits your own story and map out a clear plan to get past the past. https://drdeb.com/book. Whether we work together or not, the call itself will reveal things about yourself that you didn’t see but will recognize immediately as true when you hear them. That eye-opener alone is worth the call.
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