Last post told Caroline’s story. She was falsely accused, attacked, actually, and awakened in the middle of the night for “discussions” until she finally lost it. I contended that under such circumstances, her behavior was not at all crazy, but normal.
“Thank you, so much Dr. Deb,” Caroline [I’ve made up that name] wrote to me. “Now, I feel normal. I was so badly treated, that of course I screamed. Sheesh, anyone would scream.”
Not A Free Card
And I’m sitting here thinking, “Uh-oh, now people think I just gave them a free card to scream when they’re provoked.” So please allow me to clarify myself.
Part of our wiring is to express emotions. It is normal that some of those emotions may include outbursts of hysteria or out-of-control behavior. However, that does not make any of these behaviors good, right or acceptable. Not only that. These behaviors are harmful because
- they hurt the other person so much,
- dangerous because they escalate, and
- self-destructive because they always end up shooting the person who exhibited them in the foot.
You’re Helping Youself Lose Your Battle — And The Relationship
What I mean is that when you lose it and lash out at someone, it is guaranteed that now you will for sure not get the very thing you wanted. It makes the whole job of straightening out whatever the problem was even harder. That’s because it
(1) “proves” to your spouse that the problem is you, not him (or her),
(2) makes your spouse angry with you in return, and (let’s have a drum-roll here)
(3) it doesn’t even address the problem that you were discussing! In fact, it takes you away from the problem.
I can confirm lashing out isn’t a good solution… it might be justified but it will be worse bc of it. I lashed out in dramatic fashion after 2yrs of subtle baiting, gossip and disrespect in a group situation. It was justified but it made me look exactly as bad as the instigator hoped. Now I have been ostracized by the whole group. They see me as the problem, not the person who pushed me over the edge. It is so much more painful.
Sammie, I’m sorry you had to learn the hard way. But I’m thinking this is not a good group to even want to be part of. These people were all listening to the one person who was baiting you and no one said anything! Maybe this is a good ending — find different friends and handle them with the wisdom learned here.