Not always, but mostly, the burden of change in the marriage falls on the man.

Why is that?

Statistically, 70% of divorces are initiated by women. That’s a phenomenal number. Why is that?

It seems that the old saying is true, “happy wife, happy life.” Do men have simpler needs? Are women harder to please? What’s going on?

One truth is that for centuries, men have thrown their power around. They’re heavier. I mean physically. They weigh more. And that makes them more intimidating. And they have used that to their own advantage forever. They have been able to get away with bossiness because their wives may be physically afraid to try and stop them.

Research shows that people with deeper voices command more respect. The deeper voice connotes the burly man. Which in turn creates an undercurrent of fear. Even when the man has never actually been violent, if he should happen to get angry, his anger can be frightening. But even if he isn’t the angry type, we are hardwired to react to his size and physique as a potential threat.

The man has to overcome his image as an intimidator because this is hardwired into us and is there at an unconscious level all because his physical size and being is intimidating. Now, as it happens, in the world of verbal abuse, women are equal-opportunity attackers. But not so with physical abuse. There, men, because of their size alone, inflict, statistically, more damage than a woman could (unless she is armed).

So, ironically, the body mass and strength of the man which was meant to protect a woman can turn against her.

Combine that with hurtful words, dismissiveness, or implicit threats of abandonment, and we have a recipe for women to be afraid of the connection with their husbands that they crave.

Then there’s a second factor that favors men. Men generally earn more money than their wives. Women often settle for careers that are less demanding of their time so that they can be home to care for their children. Unfortunately, in our society, money earned equates with more power, more voice in the relationship.

It certainly shouldn’t be that way, and it seems quite unfair, but that’s the way it is. I remember challenging a guy who felt that he had more say in what happened in the marriage than his wife simply because he made more money. I asked him why. “Because, that’s the way it is!” he said, proudly, using the logic that my three-year old grandson enjoys.

I think the reason that is the way it is, is because implicit in making more money is the potential threat to withhold it. This is downright mean but I suppose no less mean than threatening physical harm just because you’re bigger and stronger.

Interestingly, when the shoe is on the other foot and the wife makes more, she will often hold that over the head of her unfortunate spouse. A couple I know that was mutually abusive is in court now over custody and not only is the wife the better earner but because of that she was able to pay for better lawyers who were willing to spend more of their valuable time writing documents to be filed in court against her husband who will not have a chance. And from my perspective, in that particular case, he should get the custody; he is the better parent.

It is human nature to take advantage of others, whether we derive our power from our physical capabilities or from our earnings capabilities. What’s more, the person with the power is the least motivated to look at himself and wonder if he needs improvement. Why should he? He has it nice and cushy without doing too much introspection.

The only thing a woman has that she can hold over the head of her man is her presence in his life.

He doesn’t want to admit it, but he needs her. He needs her for all the reasons that he doesn’t want to admit it!

He needs her sweetness, her innocence, her weakness. These all make him feel good, strong, in comparison. He may even be jealous of these qualities simply because he doesn’t have them. It is also human nature to want what we don’t have.

He also desires her presence if she is nurturing; he might never have received nurturing from his mother. He is naturally attracted to her beauty as well. So for men, it is an easy call: The wife he’s got will do fine, especially if she doesn’t challenge his authority.

But not so, women.

Most of all, women want to be heard. They want to be understood and valued. They’re okay with the size thing and the money-as-power thing as long as these are not held over their heads. In fact, they like the idea that a man has that power – provided it’s used the way it ought to be. When my great uncle died at 99, his wife cried, “He was my rock!”

Women also want to be cherished and cared for. Men who do not play the bully want these same things, so for those marriages, the burden of change may very well fall on their wives.

But, see, the way power boomerangs is that if men are so used to wielding it, they take their eyes off the road while they’re driving. Meaning, they aren’t paying proper attention to what they need to do, their real role in the marriage. They’re too busy using the wrong means to get what they want.

The reality is that they will get everything they want provided they’re not selfish. Use power to protect, and put the rest of their energy into being givers.

If this is difficult, I understand. Of course it would be for people who never thought about anything that way. But that does not make it impossible. I will hold your hand – I will hold both your and your partner’s hands and help you get there. Find out on a call. https://drdeb.com/book.