Sex is the Gold Standard of a well-oiled, functioning, happy, content marriage.
Or it should be.
And so, for that reason, everyone wants it. Of course. It feels wonderful when it feels wonderful.
But when it doesn’t…..
It’s two strangers trying to connect and not making it. One person feeling alone and wondering, “What was that all about?” One person relaxed and comfortable, happy, and yet disconnected from the soul of the person that he used to relieve his tension with. Two people struggling to find some common ground….who don’t.
Loneliness, isolation, and a sense of “What’s the point?” lead to alienation, hopelessness, and a sense of depression so great that people often start looking for medications to pull themselves out of the dark pit they find themselves in.
The problem is that you don’t get to build the Penthouse until you build the foundation and all the floors on top of it. The pain is a natural result from not working on the foundation.
It is only in rare cases that sex can bridge the gap of the emotional, mental, and spiritual distance between two people. In fact, unfortunately, bad sex *emphasizes* that distance. It literally makes people want to run away from one another.
The only time people don’t want to abandon the marriage in cases like this is when they are so cut off from their own feelings that being cut off from their spouse doesn’t make anything worse. People who have gone and chosen to ignore their deepest feelings have another problem that we have discussed before and we will discuss again. They’re the walking zombies of life and if they have sex, it is the equivalent of eating a meal after getting a Novocain: You kinda know you should be feeling something….so you kinda think maybe you should sorta be a little happy. You conjure up a slight smile….maybe. But inside, you’re feeling dead.
Those who still feel their feelings are in unbearable pain at the dead, empty sex when it should be everything but that. Torture.
And this goes for men and women. Make no mistake! The stereotype that men don’t feel and women only feel doesn’t always apply. There are plenty of men who acutely feel the emptiness and meaninglessness of disconnected sex. And there are women who’ve cut off their feelings so much that they don’t want the sex at all. You may know someone like that.
And now you know why there’s so much cheating going on. Anyone telling you they cheat for happiness is lying. To themselves before they’re lying to you. They’re running away from intolerable pain.
And you believe that that’s no solution at all. Neither are drugs, alcohol or any other method of escaping reality a solution. People whose flirtation breaks up the family and leads to second marriages end up with a 75% divorce rate. That’s because the attraction was more in their imagination than in reality. As soon as reality sets in they’re back to Start.
So, what’s the solution?
Build the foundation, of course.
The foundation is fun, exciting, beautiful, and happier than any fantasy that the billion-dollar porn sites can come up with. Why? Because we were made to connect. And when we do — fireworks!
Is it simple? No. Well, it’s simple to understand, but not simple to do. It requires — gasp!! — talking! Talking in a way that actually leads to *understanding*. Wow. Understanding. When was the last time you felt understood? Really?
Talking that makes you feel validated. Whole. Part of. Yes, both whole and part of at the same time.
And more. Much more. Talking is only the beginning. But what a beginning! The beginning of pushing away the cobwebs of loneliness. It takes a willingness to roll up your sleeves and work. It takes a willingness to push past the old beliefs about who the other person is – and about who you are. Are you willing to take a look at yourself? …. And your spouse? With new eyes?
If so, book a call with me! https://drdeb.com/book