Not always, but mostly, the burden of change in the marriage falls on the man.
Why is that?
Statistically, 70% of divorces are initiated by women. That’s a phenomenal number. Why is that?
It seems that the old saying is true, “happy wife, happy life.” Do men have simpler needs? Are women harder to please? What’s going on?
One truth is that for centuries, men have thrown their power around. They’re heavier. I mean physically. They weigh more. And that makes them more intimidating. And they have used that to their own advantage forever. They have been able to get away with bossiness because their wives may be physically afraid to try and stop them.
Research shows that people with deeper voices command more respect. The deeper voice connotes the burly man. Which in turn creates an undercurrent of fear. Even when the man has never actually been violent, if he should happen to get angry, his anger can be frightening. But even if he isn’t the angry type, we are hardwired to react to his size and physique as a potential threat.
The man has to overcome his image as an intimidator because this is hardwired into us and is there at an unconscious level all because his physical size and being is intimidating. Now, as it happens, in the world of verbal abuse, women are equal-opportunity attackers. But not so with physical abuse. There, men, because of their size alone, inflict, statistically, more damage than a woman could (unless she is armed).
So, ironically, the body mass and strength of the man which was meant to protect a woman can turn against her.
Combine that with hurtful words, dismissiveness, or implicit threats of abandonment, and we have a recipe for women to be afraid of the connection with their husbands that they crave.
Then there’s a second factor that favors men. Men generally earn more money than their wives. Women often settle for careers that are less demanding of their time so that they can be home to care for their children. Unfortunately, in our society, money earned equates with more power, more voice in the relationship.
It certainly shouldn’t be that way, and it seems quite unfair, but that’s the way it is. I remember challenging a guy who felt that he had more say in what happened in the marriage than his wife simply because he made more money. I asked him why. “Because, that’s the way it is!” he said, proudly, using the logic that my three-year old grandson enjoys.
I think the reason that is the way it is, is because implicit in making more money is the potential threat to withhold it. This is downright mean but I suppose no less mean than threatening physical harm just because you’re bigger and stronger.
Interestingly, when the shoe is on the other foot and the wife makes more, she will often hold that over the head of her unfortunate spouse. A couple I know that was mutually abusive is in court now over custody and not only is the wife the better earner but because of that she was able to pay for better lawyers who were willing to spend more of their valuable time writing documents to be filed in court against her husband who will not have a chance. And from my perspective, in that particular case, he should get the custody; he is the better parent.
It is human nature to take advantage of others, whether we derive our power from our physical capabilities or from our earnings capabilities. What’s more, the person with the power is the least motivated to look at himself and wonder if he needs improvement. Why should he? He has it nice and cushy without doing too much introspection.
The only thing a woman has that she can hold over the head of her man is her presence in his life.
He doesn’t want to admit it, but he needs her. He needs her for all the reasons that he doesn’t want to admit it!
He needs her sweetness, her innocence, her weakness. These all make him feel good, strong, in comparison. He may even be jealous of these qualities simply because he doesn’t have them. It is also human nature to want what we don’t have.
He also desires her presence if she is nurturing; he might never have received nurturing from his mother. He is naturally attracted to her beauty as well. So for men, it is an easy call: The wife he’s got will do fine, especially if she doesn’t challenge his authority.
But not so, women.
Most of all, women want to be heard. They want to be understood and valued. They’re okay with the size thing and the money-as-power thing as long as these are not held over their heads. In fact, they like the idea that a man has that power – provided it’s used the way it ought to be. When my great uncle died at 99, his wife cried, “He was my rock!”
Women also want to be cherished and cared for. Men who do not play the bully want these same things, so for those marriages, the burden of change may very well fall on their wives.
But, see, the way power boomerangs is that if men are so used to wielding it, they take their eyes off the road while they’re driving. Meaning, they aren’t paying proper attention to what they need to do, their real role in the marriage. They’re too busy using the wrong means to get what they want.
The reality is that they will get everything they want provided they’re not selfish. Use power to protect, and put the rest of their energy into being givers.
If this is difficult, I understand. Of course it would be for people who never thought about anything that way. But that does not make it impossible. I will hold your hand – I will hold both your and your partner’s hands and help you get there. Find out on a call. https://drdeb.com/book.
This is the biggest crock of crap I have read in a long time and I’ve been married for 52 years.
I could tear this tome apart section by section but it maintains one thing through all of it, a feminist perspective and seeing everything as a power struggle. BTW, men don’t really “Need” women, especially today. You are dead wrong in about 3/4 of this prattle.
Please explain what specifically bothers you instead of speaking in generalities.
The generalities are the post itself. It is, to be kind, a lil reductive. A lot of women leave men if they’re making less money or they loose their job. A lot of men struggle with vulnerability. A lot of agressivity in men is due to hormones, people who dope notice this. Trans people notice this. Women are more llkely lose interest in their partner after 2 years ish, men also. This post is only looks at one very narrow perspective, in an incredibly complicated topic.
True, it is a complicated topic. This one, narrow perspective is important, however.
Thank you for this piece. I have struggled to put these concepts into words for a while now. I’m curious if Greg ever got back to you about what parts were ‘crap’?
-Lana
I haven’t seen a comment like that lately. He can email me if he wants privacy – just go to the contact page; it should work.
Greg appears to be living in the Stone Age and behaves like a Neanderthal. I sympathise with his partner…..if he has one, lol
If someone doesn’t get it, I don’t blame them at all. They grew up with coping strategies to protect them from pain – and those protectors keep at it for life. Until someone makes a decision to find out more about themselves and why their partner isn’t happy. It’s both/and: yes, I do not blame them for their coping strategies AND they do need to get the help to make things better for both of them.
You just basically blamed men for everything.
Can you handle that? Reality isn’t always “fair.”
So you’re admitting to blaming men for everything? And condescendingly asking him if he “can handle it” as if you’re implying he’s not “man enough”. WOW. I was going to look through this site for any good info but after reading this no thanks! That’s a great way to try to help people.
Actually, I am not a condescending person, nor a blaming person. Nor would I ever say someone is not “man enough” (or woman enough). It’s unfortunate that it seems that way from the writing. That, I guess, is the limitation of writing as opposed to meeting someone.
I saw some of the comments you brought out as hard, and yes it appeared at first look aimed at men but when one searches with an open mind often it points the finger at women but in the sense of ‘that’s the way it is ‘ (also used about male attitude on occasion) but although I am a little recoiled it would have been too easy to dismiss this paradigm.
Are all men bullies? Of course not, but it is not unreasonable to see why a deepened voice or larger size carries with it a natural awareness of risk ,then attributed to the male. Does it mean he is threatening, but I found the article acknowledges this but also highlight the non threat man REALLY NEEDS not abuse this – and to do that he needs to be aware he has that advantage by nature. Not imposed but still an advantage. Same as it is highlighted, there are women who have natural advantages that will / may stumble if they do not take this advantage through unconscious ignorance of said position and thereby it is abuse of position through ignorance rather than conscious abuse of person. The intention , both make and female , though unconscious is still the threat and abused because he does not be open and say I must not raise my voice as it’s not nice and controls where no control is necessary and therefore doesn’t discus or seek resolution though negotiation or even giving in.
I feel myself I have both been the abuser and abused in that when sought in not a perfect method the woman just did not participate or seek he own negation of advantage is opening herself up and ceding her advantage in doing so.
I wish I understood the whole of this process, and I wasn’t at the disadvantage that some men have expressed wherefor written, i.e. men are always to blame… but that is not the worst position to be in so long as you don’t feel the need to argue that is the case BUT SIMPLY get on and be weaker and ask not to be blamed and thereby blamed as guilty by default.
That’s relationship trust at a high level, I think. Both willing to be wrong and listen to the other be the same and both be willing to seek to understand the other’s point of view and fair negotiation thereby may be the way out of win – lose and lose – lose and lose win. etc
Good points! When people feel the love of themselves and confidence in who they are, maybe they can have those kinds of conversations. IFS therapy addresses this point nicely.
Yes, you did blame men for everything. The simple fact of the matter is we do have to deal with it. Women are basically immature and deal in emotions and not fact and logic most of the time. And simply put they value a man only for what he can provide. Only children and dogs are loved unconditionally. You neglected to add in that women because they deal in emotions instead of facts and logic have to be emotionally supported like a child and feel entitled to it. It is just one of the things men have to deal with from women from the USA. This is one of the primary reason men from the USA are seeking companionship from women from other countries. That includes me.
Yes, women are emotional. So are men. Sometimes men use facts to support getting their emotional needs met and sometimes women do that too. Statistically, there are more women graduating from college and law school now than men, so the idea that women do not use facts and logic is incorrect.