Really, I want to say, “Why Everyone on My Team Is YOUR Answer,” but I also want to give people here room to raise doubts, question, and be cautious. I think caution is the exact correct thing given what so many people here have been through.
On the other hand, I want you to know how my team got selected – and what that selection process will always be. The guidelines are actually on the first page of my personal website which you can find in your LinkTree list.
(There’s a lovely graphic there designed by a fantastic artist, but I’ll spell it all out here.)
These are the first TWO Core Values of the Love Yourself Love Your Marriage program and ONLY people who are totally aligned with them can even talk to me:
1. Systemic Approach
We’re all born with genetics for certain strengths and other genetics for certain weaknesses. Does that push us into corners where we get stuck? Like, let’s say someone is a bit shy – and there actually are genes for shyness, BTW – does that mean they will never get past it?
No!
Why not?
Because we have the power inside of us to compensate for that natural shyness. Here are some celebrities who admit to shyness and introversion: Emma Watson, Alessia Cara, Lorde, Lady Gaga, Glenn Close, and Keanu Reeves to name just a few.
See, we, as human beings are a *system.*
We have a mind, a history, genetics, a body, and outside influences that all come together to help is be who we are.
And, we also react.
That means our innate nature combines with our experiences and our environment to “push” us to react to whatever is happening.
Now here’s the good news about that: It’s liberating!
Why?
Because it means nothing about us is fixed in stone. Okay, our eye color, our height and our bone structure are a bit harder to change, but change they can! Even those things can be changed.
So it means we can truly grow. We can grow beyond what cards we were dealt. There are many parts of us that have as yet been UNTAPPED.
How about that?
So everyone on my team sees therapy that way. Exactly that way. There’s potential in every one of us to get beyond our circumstances.
2. Non-Pathologizing Approach
Out of the Systemic Approach flows the natural result, which is that we don’t see anything wrong with anybody.
Anybody.
No such thing as narcissist. No such thing as bipolar. No such thing as borderline.
Why not?
Because people always mistake these words for a cause of behavior. They aren’t.
There is no one cause to people’s behavior. As we said above ^^^ there are lots of things from environment to inborn genetics to history that account for who we are – and who we can become.
So, sure, the titles of these “diagnoses” are good for describing behavior, but I can be screaming and jumping up and down and you might think I was crazy until you realized I just dropped a hammer on my toes.
These “diagnoses” do not take into account the context and the history that got people to that place.
And there is even more of a problem with diagnosing people:
They do not include strengths. A narcissist is capable of being a generous giver, too. Sure it may come out of a wish to be “seen” as good, but it still is good.
And one of the basic human strengths that we all have is to *grow.* We’re all capable of it.
So my team and I throw out the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). In the garbage it goes!
So what are we left with?
We want every person to (A) Love themselves, and (B) Experience their capacity to be in the expansive, freeing feeling of Self-energy, and (C) Start to feel compassion, rather than resentment for their spouse.
Compassion leads to understanding and getting the big picture. It also provides a kind space for your partner to take the risks of being vulnerable with you. And of course, this works in both directions.
There are 5 more Core Values coming! Watch out for Wednesday’s post.
But tell me: Do you want your therapist to work this way, coming from this approach?