“George was the Pitts. Always arguing. Always had to be Right. Could not allow my point of view, ever. So annoying. So frustrating. I’m ready to Scream when I think of George.
So I left him. Good riddance. Lucky I didn’t have kids but if I did, I would have taken them away, far, far away, not to be around someone like That.
The only problem is that Albert is the same.
The exact, same #$%#@ thing.
I cannot believe how stupid I am to have fallen for someone like that. It’s ridiculous. Oh, he seemed so nice, so kind, so thoughtful, so caring, so considerate – all the qualities I’d missed in George. All the qualities I’ve been looking for forever.
And he’s not.
Not at all. It took a few months, well, four months, to be exact. And then the façade he’d created came crashing down. He is not nice, not considerate, not thoughtful, not caring, not any of those things!
How did I get here? How did I get into this mess?
How did I make the same stupid mistake as I made fifteen years ago with George? I’m an intelligent person. I have two Masters degrees! I am a thinker. I analyze things. I’m not naïve. How in the world did this happen?“
There are three reasons for this.
The Logical Reason
The short answer is that you brought yourself with you.
You know what you want out of Life. You handle your reactions the same way now as you always did. So when Albert forgets to pick you up at the corner that you and he agreed on and you’re standing there like a fool waiting for him, your frustration is the same as the frustration that you would have had with George. You let him know how w-r-o-n-g he is. Boy, do you let him know.
Just the same way that you let George know.
The problem is that Albert is quite sure he did not forget at all. I Know you don’t believe that. You think he’s just the same inconsiderate punk that George was.
Except that Albert is really, really – no, I mean Really – mad that you would think so little of him. He is Quite sure that the date and time were completely something else and he did Not make a mistake at all. In fact, he is quite sure that You made the mistake and you want to blame it on him.
Is he ever mad.
He’s angrier than you are.
See, you brought the same way of thinking, the same attitude, the same way of drawing conclusions from the evidence at hand into this new relationship. So of course, it’s going to spiral downhill. Whatever mistakes anybody makes – you or him – need a different approach or you’re cooked.
The Emotional Reason
This is a biggie. The truth about relationships is that we all have our emotional needs. And the problem with that is that he has emotional needs too. He expects you to fill his just as you expect him to fill yours.
This works out very well – in theory. You each fill each other’s and you’ve got a happy marriage.
Except when you don’t.
Well, that begs the question. After all, you could. So why doesn’t everyone?
Often because they didn’t even know what the need was! After all, you just met Albert. How is he supposed to know what you need, anyway? Okay, you’re telling me you told him. I believe that.
But did he get it? Did he understand?
Now, you’re getting mad at me. After all, how much confusion can there be about what time and date to pick someone up on a street corner?
Oh, lots, actually, especially if he was already annoyed with you for something you did. Maybe your tone? Maybe a perceived criticism that you didn’t even mean? Who knows? But that’s all it takes for him to not be so lovingly listening. Ahem.
See? See how the ball bounces back into Your court? You thought it was Him, but all this while, he thinks it’s You. Your fault.
All because we all have emotional needs that we expect the other to fill. And if the other doesn’t fill them – look out.
The Spiritual Reason
Now you may not like this one and you are free to skip over it if you want to.
But I happen to have seen hundreds of times where there IS a spiritual reason.
It goes like this: You have something to learn here on Earth. George was given to you as a gift so you can learn it. And you would have gotten a bonus out of it – because you would have helped George learn what he was sent here to learn at the same time.
So you would have grown and you would have become a Giver. All at once.
All you had to do was learn.
Because George was designated just for you. Hand picked.
Now, you can argue with me on that, but if you plumb the depths of what attracted you in the first place and all the things you could have learned had you known better how to react to George, you’d see I was right.
But God is good. He/She is kind and patient, so when George didn’t seem to work out because you cast him off, He gave you Albert. Of course Albert would have the same style. Because that is what you needed in order to learn what you needed to learn.
I want to add here something really, really important. You might be asking yourself why did you have to learn that particular thing anyway? Couldn’t you have lived without it?
The answer is that it wasn’t just to “learn.” It was to heal. That is, it was for you to heal.
Now you may be wondering, “Huh? Heal from what??”
Some of us had perfect childhoods. No issues at all. But that is not the case for everyone. Other people faced being put down or somehow getting the message that they are – deep inside – less than the best. They got a message about themselves that is neither nice nor accurate. It just sits inside and festers. An ugly message.
A loving friend who believes in you helps you learn that that message simply isn’t so.
And that is what the right, hand-picked spouse is for.
Except when it doesn’t work.
But here’s the thing…
It Can work. Even with George. And most certainly with Albert, now that you’re with him. All you need is a few key secrets. Just a few. A few key things to learn about how to *think* about what he does and how to *handle* all that differently.
And, of course, he also needs those secrets.
When you’ve both got those under your belt, not only does the communication between you improve, and your attitude toward him and toward the relationship improve, but he literally helps you heal from those old wounds just as you help him heal.
I will help you do all that. In fact, I will help both of you, together, do all that. You may wonder how that is possible after so much bad, ugly water under the bridge. I understand, but the answer is that I’ve been doing this a long time and that is one of the things I can do. Find out for yourself. Just book a time to meet with me https://drdeb.com/book and we will explore what’s not working. I will share with you my take on it – and what your next steps can be.