The caller had that dull tone in her voice that comes from having gotten to the end of her rope. “My marriage is at the end. Basically, it’s over,” she explained, “because I can’t take another day of the way I’m being treated. We are strangers. And I’ve told him over and over what needs to change and it is not happening.”
“I understand,” I said. “Why did you call me, then?”
“Well,” the caller sighed. We have children. I – I could never forgive myself if I didn’t at least say I tried everything.”
“You know,” I replied, “I could see you for a time or two to see if there really is hope, but, honestly, if you don’t re-commit to the idea of your marriage before you come in, it will be wasted effort.”
Now it was my caller’s turn to put me on the spot. “Why should I?” she asked. “So as to come crashing down all over again? Get my hopes up and then – splat! Down they go!”
“You’re right,” I said, nodding although she couldn’t see that. “You don’t want to be emotionally vulnerable and then get hurt; you don’t want to pile disappointment upon disappointment, and I understand that.
But a lot of times, there really is hope. That’s what my specialty is: putting marriages back on track that were on the brink of divorce. I don’t advocate divorce no matter how many “experts” have told you it’s the way to go.
“You can go look at my blog for all the reasons why even divorce attorneys don’t recommend it. A lot of times it makes things much, much worse, but that’s a story for another day.
What I want you to understand is that by showing your husband that I understand his position and that I want to help him get his needs met, very often we can really turn the marriage around—he’ll treat you much better and your needs will get met.”
“That’s fine in theory, Dr. Deb,” the woman said politely, “but you have not met my husband.”
Why do they all say that? Why do people think their own situation is unique? Yes, there are a few couples whose marriages are beyond hope: People who won’t stop drinking, drugging, or engaging in criminal or reckless activity. Narcissists who have no compassion and the rare psychopath. But those are very few cases, indeed.
The majority of terrible points in a marriage come from each person feeling hurt, abandoned, attacked, or otherwise mistreated by their partner, who, in turn, feels hurt, abandoned, attacked or otherwise mistreated by the other person.
Sometimes there is real and actual abuse going on. Sometimes, the person who feels this badly treated is misunderstanding the meaning or intention of what is being said or done to him or her.
The nicest people come to me. Universally, without exception, most people are good and they mean well. They either don’t always act that way at home, or they’re believed to be acting wrongly when they never intended to.
People think that the solution is “communication.” Unfortunately, hurt people tend to tune one another out.
Or they think they must “win” an argument and are therefore busy preparing what they want to say instead of listening.
So “communication” of your own “side,” needs and wants is not generally the best answer. Explaining again and again what’s bothering you turns into nagging and no one listens to that.
However, instead of communicating, listening is often a really great solution. But it has to be real listening. Not pretend listening while you think up what you wanted to say.
Mrs. Anonymous came in with her husband. Listening didn’t work for the Mrs. She would try, she told me. She would say, with the utmost kindness in her tone, “What’s the matter?” And he would say (can you guess?) “Nothing.”
Of course. That is the Laconic Man’s answer.
Invariably, I suggest for the second session that the husband would come in alone, and wouldn’t you know it? – In that session, he can’t stop talking. He spills out his heart and he’s full of pain.
What just happened?
I listened.
With no agenda.
Mrs. Anonymous, I totally understand that your husband would be unfair to think you have an agenda when you don’t. Or sometimes you don’t. You are a good, kind, caring person. When you want to hear what the matter is from his side, you really are sincere. The problem is that he doesn’t believe it.
After all, in marriages, it’s perfectly normal for each person to have an agenda. So if you don’t have one this time, it’s understandable if he doesn’t believe it.
So now we get closer to resolving the problem. It’s not really about “communication,” it’s about convincing your spouse that you can listen without an agenda even if sometimes you have had one.
Doing this takes three steps:
- First, you have to create some way to meet your own unmet needs. That is, if you’re going to approach your partner agenda-free, you need to take care of yourself so that you really are agenda-free. Take a walk, listen to music, write a poem, or ask God to be your witness. Do whatever it takes and do NOT go over and over in your mind how badly you were treated. You need to either let it go completely or put it on a shelf to take out another day.
- Create in yourself compassion and readiness to hear your spouse’s “side.” To do this, see the vulnerability in this person and zero in on it. Be prepared for surprises, too. Something completely innocent that you did could be bothering him or her.
- Let your spouse know that you really want to hear his or her side and that you are completely agenda-free. Prove it by not bringing up anything of your own today. It will wait for another day. Then listen. Really listen.
Oh, yeah, there is a fourth step. You have to be emotionally ready to act on what you’ve heard. If your spouse feels something you’re doing is amiss, honesty demands that you are prepared to make a change.
So what about YOUR needs? When do they get met? The answer is: Later. Not “never,” just later. Someone has to get the ball rolling and since you’re reading this article, it’s got to be you. Later, when things are going well and you’ve made the change that your spouse wanted, you can bring up your need. That’s only fair.