It’s not you.

Really.

And it’s not them, either, actually.

I mean it.

So whose fault is it?

It’s not a fault. It just is.

Communication breaks down because two people who have already suffered some hurt in their lives find each other, fall in love, and then….

….then all their coping skills — that kept them alive and going all their years — get in the way.

That’s the truth.

That’s it in a nutshell.

Of course, it’s not that simple.

You can ask: How did that happen?

And Why does that have to happen?

And most importantly, What do we do to get out of the mess without throwing each other out?

How Did This Happen To Us?

It’s normal. Totally normal.

Most people were not born to parents who were perfect.

No one that I’m aware of is a saint.

And even if the parents were saints, there’s life that comes along and messes up people’s childhoods through sickness, accidents, lack of money, lack of time . . .

. . . just Life.

Life can be tough.

So we manage to cope. We cope as best we could.

In fact, given that we were just little kids when we learned, we learned amazingly well.

Our coping skills kept us going.

So that’s something we can be proud of and grateful for.

And that sums up the life of most of us.

So it is only natural that we would meet someone with their own stories and their own coping skills.

Mary learned to cope by shutting down because she didn’t want to hear the fighting in the next room.

Frank learned to cope by arguing because he was made “wrong” so often that he had to push that image of himself away or her would die.

So there you have Frank trying to argue and Mary shutting down.

Frank can get really frustrated that way, right?

And Mary can get really frightened that way, correct?

You can see this.

And you can see why it isn’t Mary’s or Frank’s fault, even if it looks like it is.

Now, mind you, I’m not saying that they should not take responsibility to make things better.

We get one crack at life so we ought to make it better for ourselves.

But that’s not the same thing as fault-finding.

Why Does This Have To Happen?

What I’ve found is that the worse the trauma, the more likely this will happen.

I don’t know how you measure “worse.” I think it’s a subjective thing.

I once read about a man who was being dismissive of people who couldn’t overcome their history, and it turned out his own sister had committed suicide because of it.

He was tough and gritty and she just wasn’t.

This may be something the researchers are studying called “resilience.” Some of that is inborn and some is learned.

So it doesn’t “have” to happen, but it does so often.

There was a psychiatrist, Abraham Twersky, who wrote tons of books. He had centers for alcohol addictions recovery.

I heard him speak once and he said something that stuck with me: “Addicts are more sensitive people.”

They have a hard time handling the pain that some other people can manage to bear.

So part of the story is there’s just individual differences in how people cope with trauma and tough times.

What do we do to get out of the mess without throwing each other out?

Here’s where it gets interesting.

You learn to separate your true Self, your soul, if you wish, from all those coping methods.

The coping methods were useful and necessary and you can appreciate yourself for having had them.

Really.

I remember a line one of the people told me who I interviewed for my dissertation.

She’d been severely emotionally abused as a child and she said, “I thank God for every drink I took.”

Those drinks got her through.

She later, as an adult, learned better coping skills and she gave up the drinking and settled down to a normal and pleasant life with a husband and children.

But it was not an automatic thing. It took work on her part.

But the real point I’m making here is that the coping method – drinking – saved her. At least, she felt that way.

So I’m not here to knock these coping solutions.

On the contrary, I’m here to congratulate you – or the parts of you that came up with them.

But they aren’t your soul, your true self.

Your Self is something larger and wiser. It’s something that you just didn’t have as a child. Children form a self, an identity, slowly.

Scientists say the brain comes into full development at age 25. So before that, we are an act in progress.

The Self that emerges is not only wise, but has perspective on life that a child lacks. It has love and the ability to be compassionate, something children can’t afford to do.

And our Selves are there, waiting to blossom. They don’t have to be taught to us by therapists. We all have them, buried under all those coping mechanisms.

So the first step – and it takes practice – is to separate yourself and feel yourself as separate from the coping mechanisms that we all have.

(Go look in the replay library for some of my live talks with the opportunity for you to practice these things as part of my presentation. Sorry I can’t give the link here or Facebook will think this post is spam. Check out the Guides section of this group for it.)

The next step – and this takes lots of practice – is for your Self to take leadership over your automatic coping skills.

This doesn’t happen by controlling yourself.

Oddly enough, this happens by getting to know and appreciate your coping parts and to reassure them that your Self has the ability to handle the curve balls.

That’s a process that usually requires the help of a trained professional which is what my team and I love best doing.

Now here is where this becomes truly magnificent: The last step is two people whose Selves are taking leadership over their parts that only know how to cope – talking to each other.

Self to Self conversation is truly beautiful to experience.

It’s fun, intimate, serious, connected, playful, joyous, and peaceful.

Can you see that?

Can you see how, with the coping skills put lovingly aside for the Self – your true higher power – to lead you, the two of you can experience the beauty of a true relationship?

WARNING: This explanation may be simple, but the unlearning of a life time is not quick and it’s not easy. But it IS do-able. And best of all, it’s fun.

It’s a glorious feeling to not be imprisoned by bad thoughts and hasty reactions that you regret later.

Can you see that?