There are two kinds of people in this world. We can call one kind pessimists. They also can be called depressed. Because the definition of depression is loss of hope, lose of belief, loss of a dream. Well, that’s also pessimism.
Maybe the slight difference between these two definitions is a matter of degree: The depressed person has zero hope; the pessimist has maybe 2% or 3% hope but defines themselves by the general lack of it.
Now, the other side of the coin is a belief that ALL problems can be solved. All of them. Let’s take the worst case scenario that I know of. A woman in my neighborhood’s daughter, a mother of young children, one day collapsed onto the floor and has been in a coma, so I understand, for quite some time. That’s a worst case scenario, right? Not much can be worse than that.
How do you believe that such a terrible problem can be solved?
Well, it depends what you call “solved.” We cannot replace God. We can’t cure everyone. We do not have immortality.
BUT we do have a choice as to how we live with that. The woman in my neighborhood, who was lovely before, has become even kinder and more sensitive to the pain of others. She has become even more welcoming and generous. Her bond with her husband is greater; they’re a team. She is closer to her grandchildren and her son-in-law too.
But really, this sort of problem is rare, thank God. Your own problems are more like: You didn’t get it when they said they weren’t happy; or they never had the courage to tell you they were unhappy and they just upped and left. Or they can’t figure out their own feelings so they blame you for their unhappiness. Or you’re fighting to much, or too cold, or there have been affairs.
And these things are horrible.
You don’t need to go as far as the woman in my neighborhood to suffer. You can suffer at a lesser level of trauma because it’s all trauma. It’s all intensely painful. There’s the alone-ness and the confusion. There’s the self-blame and the other-blame. There’s the feeling of overwhelm and the sadness. You’ve got enough misery to go around.
So there you are, left holding the bag. What do I do? What’s next?
So I became a problem solver. That’s me. I’ve always been that way. First, growing up, I would hear my father complain every night at the dinner table about the politics at his work. He was an Engineer. And he was very, very good at what he did. But he did not know politics. And my mother loved him and wanted to help but she had no idea what to say.
So right there, I wanted to figure out solutions. How do you get out of this mess? Well, what does an eight-year old know? I didn’t. But I learned. That’s why I made it my life’s work to help people with relationship problems. That was always my mission!
And I’ve seen so so so many people and couples over these years, that I can pretty much nail it every time. I can tell when it’s time to make big changes in who you are, how you react, what you say and even what you think – your attitudes.
Frankly, that really is the place to start. Because we can learn new behaviors but if our heart isn’t in them then it’s pointless and won’t work.
Once those attitudes are, shall we say, realigned, you start to feel good about yourself; you start to have some perspective on what you did wrong and how you got to the bad place, but most important, you have a clear vision of where you’re going.
And you’ll be happy.
You’ll be happy because when you feel good about yourself, you forgive yourself for the past, and you learn to make good choices going forward, of course you’re happy.
This is what I do. This is why I get up in the morning. I call it fun! Solving problems, to me, is fun. So book a call to get some clarity for your future, alone or as a couple. Either way: https://drdeb.com/book