Wait! Don’t leave!I can see rolled eyeballs.
But the people rolling them are the ones who need this most.
Why do I say that?
Because those are the people (usually the men) that our society robbed of their emotions.It’s not their fault. And it’s really not society’s fault. It just the way things are and have been.
Y’know, my little neighbor is about 6 and he has a 4 year old sister. But last week, his mother gave birth to a girl.And what did I say to him?
I admit it, I fell right into that trap. Society’s trap.
I said, “Hey you’re such a big boy. Are you going to take care of your two little sisters?”
And it didn’t even dawn on me til I sat down to write this that I goofed. A profound goof.I mean, why is it that men are supposed to “take care of” women?
They’re groomed for God’s sake since they’re tiny little boys.
Is that fair?
I mean, really.
Then, in the marriage, if the wife is not happy, the man has failed at “taking care” of her.No wonder so many men are angry.
I am not justifying anger. Read on –
The worst of the failure is that he has failed at understanding her feelings.But that is precisely what he was taught not to have.
How do you understand something that you got wiped out of you?
That said, they were not quite wiped out.
They just went underground.
Or as Dr Schwartz, the founder of IFS (Internal Family Systems) would put it – they got exiled.-
Those moments of humiliation as a child.
Exiled. -
Those moments of being falsely accused.
Exiled. -
Those moments of being invalidated, dismissed, and ignored.
Exiled.
Both the little boys and the little girls. We all went through this.But the little boys also had moments of being made fun of for having feelings.
And those had to get exiled, too.
What does “exiled” really mean? – It means we forgot.Gone.
Buried…. Somewhere.
Every separate scenario produces another painful memory that has to get exiled.And every one of those exiled childhood memories are banging on the door to be let out.
That’s why you do things that come out of the blue, totally unexpected, and out of your control.That’s why you get triggered and angry to the moon for what seems to be no reason.
Well, you try to explain it. And the explanation falls flat.Because the real reason is those hurt little kids that you once were – those memories – trying to get out.
Those are your inner children.
Of course you’re rolling your eyeballs. That’s part of the method your protective parts use to keep you from looking into it.That is the reason why 70 to 80% of people seeking therapy are the women and why the men run the other way.
They don’t want to let out the inner children.
They’re SCARED.
As I said, I don’t blame them. The women, at least, know pain.They’re familiar with it. Too familiar.
Unfortunately.
But because they know it, they can be taught to deal with it.They can discover their inner children and free them from the bondage of those hideous memories.
(In neuropsych terms, they can move them from the hippocampus where traumatic fractions of memories wait for the rest of the story, incomplete, and giving us nightmares.)Now, why am I bringing this up today?
Last Thursday, at 1 PM Eastern, my talk took a full hour (and change). I did a thorough go-over of IFS and if you didn’t catch it, go to the library on my website to see the replay. (Look in your linktree list to find the link. If I put the link here, Facebook will take this post down, thinking it’s spam. Your linktree list is in the Welcome Messenger message I wrote you when you joined as well as the Welcome email you got. It’s also in the “Guides” section of our group.) In the talk Thursday I didn’t get into the importance of the Inner Children in this whole picture of who we are. So here it is: Because the inner children were exiled, you cannot heal until they’re reached and you hear their story, and finally, finally validate them.Someone needs to let them know that they were good children and worthy of love.
And that someone is you.
It has to be you. You will never, ever be satisfied with the support of your spouse or even the apologies of your parents.The one and only person who can love those inner children of yours is you.
And that, by the way, is why the first half of this group’s title is called, “Love Yourself.”That’s how we do it.
You have to find the mistreated, vulnerable children inside of you and give them the love that they missed.The understanding.
The validation.
The strength that comes from your years of living.
And the wisdom.
Now here is why the eyeball rolling stops your healing: The eyeball rolling is coming from the messages you got that feelings are bad so don’t have any!As long as you continue to buy into that, the hurt children inside of you remain hurt and unhealed.
Which means all those automatic, out-of-control reactions you have will continue to happen and upset you and hurt those around you.That’s what unhealed looks like.
So if you want to end the pain you and your entire family is suffering from once and for all, stop rolling your eyeballs.Start reading the posts, here.
Watch the lives on Thursdays, and watch the replays.
Book your free call with me to figure out what to do next.
Take action.
Find your inner children and love on them.