I have a question: Why does this spouse want to gain control?
Actually, that’s not my only question. Here’s another one: Why can’t he/she gain control the usual way, like by being nice? Sweet-talking?
See, the whole thing with control is that we’re always trying to gain control over our lives.
We wear clothes that make us look good; we smile when we’re not ncessarily happy; we sweet-talk mom so she won’t be mad at us.
We’re always trying to stay on top of things so they don’t come crashing down on us.
Friendly, nice people are using their niceness to be liked. This doesn’t make them insincere at all. They like people and simply want to be liked back. Perfectly natural.
So let’s get clear on one thing: When we talk about people who are controlling what we really mean is that they don’t know how to get control.
Really.
They have failed miserably. So they have to exert unplesant methods to gain the control that most well-adjusted people can get without it.
Why did they fail, then?
They failed because they don’t like themselves, they don’t really know who they are, and they are therefore clueless as to how to relate to other people.
Think about it: A person with good interpersonal skills may have been successful with others since childhood. Or, perhaps they stuggled and put the pieces together little by little.
But they finally did learn how to get along in this world.
Not the so-called “controlling” person. That person never learned and doesn’t know how to get anything for him/herself.
How do I know that this is the cause of the controlling person’s behavior?
The answer is clear: If you can succeed with other people through ways that please everyone and still get what you want, why would anyone resort to unpleasantness? They wouldn’t have to.
What a terrible way to live. How frightening and miserable it must be to be that person.
Now, let’s look at this person poisoning the children just to gain control and punish
People brought up in a home in which their own needs were not met, but rather they were put down, neglected, humiliated, and/or physically violated in one way or another have learned some important things that no child should ever learn:
- I am no good
- I have to survive and I hardly know how
- I need someone to love me but I don’t love myself
With this outlook on life, what are the chances that this person will misinterpret any differences they have with their spouse?
About 100%, most likely.
In other words, if Spouse complains about something to the “Controlling Person,” the C.P will interpret it as (1) I am no good, (2) I have to survive and now that my spouse is on me, I really don’t know how, and (3) I need someone to love me but my spouse obviously doesn’t.
Now, let’s multiply that by a number of years.
Can you imagine the degree of self-hate and other-hate that has accumulated?
As a last resort, to bolster the ego that is basically in the garbage, they may turn to the kids for support.
So How Do You Handle That?
Not with anger.
Not with logic.
Not with resentment and retribution.
Those just make it worse.
And the reason, by the way, that logic won’t work is that this C.P. is not logical. His or her fundamental assumptions about life (see 1, 2, and 3, above) are not logical. They came from pain and all information will be filtered through them.
Kindness and setting your own boundaries are the only things that can work. Kindness is probably late in coming and may not work after years of the above cycle. Although I, personally, wouldn’t give up on it – if you can find it in your heart.
Here’s the key, though: setting boundaries has to also be done with kindness. The C.P. may never have received kindness so he/she can’t give it. But you can.
Not for their sake but for yours.
On the other hand, if you can maintain steady human kindness, then he/she might just listen to you when you suggest marriage counseling – or my Marriage Coaching Program.
You see, in that program, we can literally uncover this C.P’s true Self, heal the trauma that caused all the bad behaviors, and help them to take leadership over the protective parts that keep wanting to misbehave.
And then, of course, the good stuff happens – the ability of a husband and wife to communicate from a place of being Self-led rather than driven by protectors.
My Marriage Coaching program is 16 weeks long and you can sign up for as many additional months as you – and your spouse – need. It’s got the educational component – videso you watch on your own time, and the twice-a-week coaching component with me guiding you toward discovering (and loving) who you really are.
Email me if you both want to transform what’s not working into what is.