Imagine a real conversation –-
Each person actually listens to the other person’s point.
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No one gets defensive even when told they did something that hurt their partner.
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Something gets accomplished – a plan gets formed or each person gains a new awareness of how the other person feels. And that feels good!
How do you get there?What do you need inside of you to not get defensive? Not get triggered? Not be too attached to your point?
I was reading a cute article on how we all have a different perspective on things.In it, a five-year-old asked his mom if she liked her computer game. She was confused because she didn’t have a computer game.
After some back and forth with him, it turned out that she was working with images on the computer to redesign her kitchen. And since she had been spending hours on it, her son thought it was a computer game.That was a great example of making assumptions based on the way you see the world.
Spouses do the same thing all the time.
Nancy will say to herself, “If he loved me, he wouldn’t ignore my requests.”Nancy may be wrong.
What does she know, really, about how he sees the world?
So I think the very first element needed for a real conversation is to suspend judgment and just get curious. But how do you do that when your first reaction is to get defensive or to argue your point? This is where IFS (Internal Family Systems) comes in.IFS says that getting triggered and then acting defensive or argumentative or hurt – instead of listening with curiosity and interest – comes from parts of you that came into your life because you needed them.
Your reactions are normal.
You must have been in situations as a child that called for them.
For example, let’s say you get defensive. Maybe as a child you felt deeply misunderstood but getting defensive was soothing.It made you feel like at least someone was listening, even if that someone was only you.
Sometimes just verbalizing a point feels good.
Certainly it’s better than keeping silent when you don’t feel understood. In a different kind of family, your reaction might be to get hurt and shut down. It could be that you couldn’t argue in your family because they would shrug and walk away.That could be worse than being argued with.
But it was soothing to sit in a corner and pout. At least someone felt sorry for you even if it was only you.Can you see how that sense of different parts taking care of you came about?
There was the arguing part and the victim part. And, of course, many more. They were all there to help you get through.They’ve stuck by you all these years, too. Yes, parts of us are loyal!
After all, why should the protective parts of you think that anything has changed over the years? Someone will surely argue with you and not understand you.Or someone won’t listen and won’t care.
Neurologically, parts are pathways in the brain that fire very quickly when presented with a situation similar to the ones that triggered us when we were kids.This is a very adaptive mechanism.
It means that we don’t have to think about most things in order to handle them.
When it comes to functioning in this world, it is a true time saver. We know how to drive, where we live and who our family is, among the many things we’ve learned over the years.We adapt and then we go on automatic. Very efficient.
Except when it isn’t.
When our husband gets tired of our arguing and our wife gets tired of our sulking, it’s not helping any more.There have been many therapies over the years to help show people how these automatic reactions no longer are useful.
The problem is that even when you connect the dots from your history to your automatic reactions, it doesn’t necessarily mean you can stop the cascade of physiological reactions that overwhelm you.Unlike methods that help you understand yourself but coast on a wish and a prayer that understanding is all you need, IFS gives you tools to completely stop the trigger reactions.
Since we’re saying these reactions are governed by “parts” of us, we can talk to them.Yes, you read that right.
Remember the kid I was talking about who argued back? And remember I explained that it felt good to be able to make his point because even if his parents weren’t listening, at least he was?That’s an example of a part.
That was the part who listened when nobody else would.
Same with the kid who pouted and felt sorry for himself.
That’s also a part. When no one gave him consolation for being misunderstood, at least a part of him gave it to himself.Think about the times in your life when you felt depressed, or angry, or confused, or helpless.
What did you do about it?
Did you keep yourself company when no one else would by going over how bad things were?Were you your own avenger and hero by getting angry?
Did you console yourself like a true friend for the confusing position you were in?
Did you tell yourself that you shouldn’t have to put your shoulder to the wheel for such a hard job?Those are all parts.
Any time you find yourself in a conversation with yourself as if a friend were there – or even as if an enemy were berating you – those are all parts of you.It’s wonderful to have such an army of friends right inside you, each trying to protect you with a specific perspective.
So the IFS solution is to get to know these parts.After all, they’re parts of you.
That’s Step One.
Step Two is to assert leadership over them. But Step One is critical: If your parts don’t feel you understand and value them, they won’t make any changes.After all, they came into your life to protect you. They wouldn’t have been needed if you, yourself had been able to handle your challenges without them.
So because you were a child then and couldn’t have done a better job dealing with difficult or abusive grownups, your parts have no reason to believe you’re any more capable at handling things now than you were then.You can’t argue with them, either. They won’t listen. Just try arguing with the part of you that wants the extra piece of cake and see what happens.
That’s why cognitive behavioral therapy won’t work for people with trauma or abuse histories. The parts always win.But the IFS approach of being curious about your parts instead of beating them up is a radical improvement.
They were needed once and they’ve been part of you a very long time. They aren’t going away.And here’s a bonus: Do you notice the parallel between getting to know your partner with genuine curiosity and getting to know the parts of your Self the same way?
When you can be loving and open to even the most obnoxious parts of yourself – instead of berating them – don’t you think it will be easier to get to understand – and value – your partner and all their challenging parts?