Think of all the bosses you’ve had.
What made a good one good? Did they humiliate those under them? Were they hard drivers? Did they ignore good ideas? How did they handle bad ideas? Well you are the leader of your internal system of parts.You know those voices in your head? The chatter that goes on and on without letup?
Those are parts of you. They didn’t come from foreign agents implanted in your head. They’re you.So you have to be their leader.
Most likely up until now, they’ve been your leader instead of you being theirs. Most likely leading you around by the nose.They berate you for your mistakes.
They make you afraid to take risks.
They make you angry and act out.
They sometimes make you feel sorry for yourself.
What if you could talk back to them?? Wouldn’t that be great!?
What would it be like to be their leader?-
They wouldn’t be saying mean things to you.
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They wouldn’t make you scared, worried, or panicky.
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They wouldn’t make you turn down that promotion.
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They wouldn’t make you talk to the wrong people.
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Or make you drink too much or use drugs or get on porn sites.
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Or yell at people you love.
On the other hand, to rule them well, you can’t be a bad boss.A good boss – like a good parent –
–> has patience with mistakes.
à is a great listener, really focusing on what people say, taking it in.
–> nurtures all ideas, turning bad ones into good ones.
–> genuinely likes everyone under him so people feel it.
–> is curious when things go wrong instead of coming down on people.
–> makes those under him feel safe to open up.
–> makes everyone feel valued.
I can hear you saying, “Well my parents sure didn’t do that for me.”
And that is the exact reason why you have to do that for yourself.
I mean, wouldn’t you rather feel good through and through? Wouldn’t you rather be happy with yourself than not?Oddly enough the key to being the leader of your parts is not to do to them what they do to you.
I know, I know. Your natural inclination is to beat them up. But that only makes matters worse, as you’ve learned from all your bad bosses.Retaliation is not allowed.
But that should make sense, right? If they’ve been mistreating you then naturally, to have a peaceful inner experience, the mistreatment has to stop. And that means it goes in both directions. You can’t do to them what they’ve been doing to you or it would not show good leadership.You have to lead through love.
Like a great boss.
Like a wonderful parent.
So the first step in good leadership of all the parts within you – your internal family – has to be to truly value them and love them.And just like a great boss, get to understand what they’re trying to accomplish and see if you can help them accomplish their goals in ways that don’t hurt you – or others.
Now I can hear you saying, “This makes sense in theory. But how do you do it?”The answer to that question is the most beautiful part of this process, IMO:
You breathe quietly and feel the separation of your Self from parts that have dominated you, perhaps for your whole life.Then you ask your basic question of them: What is it you’re trying to accomplish?
And just listen.
Try it.
The answer will come.
If it doesn’t, maybe you need some help because this exercise is so unusual. But you’ll catch on.From there you get to know each part through your many interested, curious questions.
It is at that point – when your parts feel understood – that you are in a position to suggest to them alternate ways of handling the challenges in your life.And they just might accept.
It’s a process of getting to know them – and them getting to know you, your essence, your Self. Like any relationship, it generally take a bit of time, more for some people, less for others.But the rewards are enormous: No more inner pain. Instead, equanimity, clarity, patience, wisdom.
And that’s “on demand”: Whenever you feel like moods – parts – are taking over you, you can do this.
That’s being in Self energy; that’s Self leadership. Here’s a note: This isn’t hard; everyone loves the way it feels. But sometimes it takes some practice with the help of an expert. Sometimes not; try it and see.