You’re feeling like garbage. And you’ve been feeling that way all week.
What if you had a mechanism to turn that around in about a minute?
You’re feeling so angry you are nearly spitting.
What if that anger didn’t actually have to be a part of you and you could get rid of it in a minute?
Ditto every single rotten feeling a person can have:
Self-Critical
Hopeless
Frustrated
Numb, disconnected
Mocking, judgmental of others
What if you could be who you really are?
I mean, you KNOW, deep inside, that you are a good person. You’re kind; you’re there in a split second for your friend who needs help.
Heck, you even took in your mother-in-law for an undetermined length of time when her house flooded.
That’s who you really are.
So what’s with all this other stuff?
You’re smart. You’re a success in your field. Why do you feel stupid sometimes?
Well, about 30 years ago, Dr. Richard Schwartz said you don’t have to. He said you could literally change the way you feel in a minute.
Okay, it takes some time getting the hang of it. Some time in weeks, not years.
Not a bad return on effort, right?
Schwartz noticed that people will say “a part of me feels X, but another part of me feels Y.” That may have happened to you, too, at different moments.
The reality is that we all have “parts” of us that want to make their voices heard at different moments in our lives. These parts were needed at points in our lives when our young, childish Selves
*didn’t have the skills to defend ourselves against unfairness
*didn’t even understand why the situation was unfair
*didn’t have hope that things would be better
*didn’t know anyone who could defend or help us
*knew not to complain because that would make things worse
*had no other tools at our disposal other than what comes naturally to children to protect themselves.
Children naturally run from harm. If they have to fight, they will. But if fighting means they’ll be destroyed, they go numb and freeze instead.
From these survival instincts, come all sorts of “parts” – often called defense mechanisms – which make perfect sense.
So, for example, when you don’t understand how to defend yourself against unfairness – and it’s your parent that’s being unfair – you might very well figure there must be something wrong with YOU.
That’s where the Self-critical part comes from.
And when there is no one else to protect you and you cannot escape, that’s where the hopeless part comes from.
Well, these parts will pop up to “help” us when they’re triggered. And they totally hijack our personalities. That’s why we seem to be these awful people when we are not.
Schwartz decided this was a terrible situation.
Why should people believe they are awful when it’s only a part that is taking over? And, when it’s only a childish part of us to begin with, why should we have such a part take over anyway? We’re adults now!
Therefore, Schwartz taught his clients to learn when they were in a part and when they were in Self. He taught his clients to then – easily – separate from their part so they could regain their footing as a Self.
Now, how, exactly, do you do this?
Well, it takes, as I said, some practice. Like learning piano or basketball, it’s a skill. But not one that requires years of study. It’s not like turning into Michaelangelo.
Therapists who have studied Schwartz’s method like me have been able to teach people to do this relatively easily.
In order to change what we used to think of as “moods” that we had no control over, we must resort to using our imagination and the willingness to feel a little silly talking to the “parts” of us. But it works. It works better than
#going away for a weekend and learning communication skills
#going to therapy for months or years to still feel unheard and miserable
#practicing behavioral techniques when the problem is emotional.
Why? Why does it work better than these things?
- Because communication must be trigger-free or we end up in a terrible downward spiral. Our childish parts get triggered by things that seem like what we suffered in childhood and once, triggered, all the communication skills in the world are worthless.
- Because the therapy process doesn’t recognize parts; very few therapists are trained in Internal Family Systems (IFS). It is only when the therapist can spot a part and help the person separate from it so as to be in Self that communication can begin to work. And the therapist must be able to do that for both people simultaneously.
- Because behavioral techniques don’t work on emotions. They’re governed by different parts of the brain. IFS specifically works on the limbic system – where it is needed.
The bottom line is that we are often at the mercy of our moods/emotions/feelings – parts. And we don’t have to be.
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