Like John Gottman, Sue Johnson is well known for her work with couples, and unlike Gottman, she focuses on emotions, the very building blocks of all behavior.So what’s the problem?
Oh, there’s a big one.
Let me ask you a question: Why do people act in ways that are decidedly unhelpful in their marriage, like arguing, giving it back, misinterpreting what someone says in a way that feels bad, etc.?
Why?*the answer is NOT that they’re crazy.
*the answer is NOT that they have a personality “disorder.”
*the answer is NOT that they are abusive.
Why aren’t these good answers?
Well, if you look at each one, they don’t tell you anything.
For each one, you can ask the REAL question, which is, “Why?” all over again.
Let’s do that.
For #1 – so why are they crazy?
For #2 – so why do they have a personality disorder?
For #3 – so why are they abusive?
See?
These convenient labels don’t give us any real information at all.
The answer to all 3 questions is quite simple. And sad: Because they experienced trauma in childhood. Did you read the article “Two Principles of a Good Marriage” that is listed in my Linktree list? (linktr.ee/drdebh) Read it for a loooong list of what could traumatize a child.
And then you will see why people act in ways that could be hurtful, aggressive, defensive, or distancing.
Which means that any approach to solving marital problems must take trauma into consideration. And it must not exclude people who won’t react the way you wish they would because of their trauma.
Because, after all, if abusive behavior stems from the trauma a person faced, is it even ethical to exclude them from getting the help they need?
Doesn’t it make sense to heal the hurts so that the abusive behavior disappears?
You may wonder about this. You may not believe it’s possible for abusive behavior to just disappear. I get that. But here is some background information to help you see clearly how this works.
Abuse
Imagine the seven-year old crying because his older brother knocked his ice cream out of his hands and it became a wet mess on the floor rather than a delicious treat.
Now imagine the frustrated father coming home from work highly stressed over the day that he had. He has no patience for his little boy (just as his parents had no patience for him). So he says, “You’re crying? I’ll give you something to cry about.”
Frightened, the child shuts down. Inside, he’s still angry at his mistreatment. He’s sad about the lost ice cream. He’s wanting someone to validate his innocence. But he has to shut down because he certainly doesn’t want injury added to the insult he’s already gotten.
He looks at his father with big, beautiful eyes. Now his dad feels guilty and he starts to strike the child. But the little boy dashes out the door, to the world outside that horrible house. He runs and runs until he gets to the woodsy area where he plops down in the grass, feeling safe.
Fast forward 30 years.
This same shut-down man is married. His wife can’t understand why, if she complains about something, anything, he shuts down. When she complains again about the shutting down, he slams out the door and she doesn’t know where he’s going.
How rude, right?
On a regular basis, wouldn’t you say he’s being abusive to her just as his father was to him?
Sure.
So, therefore……..what?
Does that have to be the end of the story?
Well, according to Sue Johnson, it does. She can’t help abusive people, she says.
I don’t know why not. They aren’t a different breed from depressed people, hopeless people, people who beat themselves up, people who yell, or whatever kinds of reactions people have to their own personal traumas.
In fact, given that parents are not saints, even if they weren’t abusive, they could have traumatized a child. Just yelling at each other in front of the child can do that. And then they child could grow up hiding his pain under abuse.
She certainly could create a good winning streak for herself by excluding everyone but the saints….
IFS
In IFS (Internal Family Systems), on the other hand, everyone comes under the same umbrella – without labels that criticize who a person has become due to his past.
Isn’t that better?
Treating each person like the beautiful soul that they really are – hidden under all the nastiness – and using advanced healing techniques that take advantage of the mind’s flexibility to literally change perceptions under the right circumstances, people can heal.
When the hurt children underneath have had the chance to be soothed, nurtured, validated, and heard, the protectors no longer need to be strident and angry. They relax and trust the person’s beautiful soul to handle life’s challenges.
That means, in plain English, that the abusive behavior totally disappears. Isn’t that better?
