The first time I heard about this crazy method of changing our moods, almost automatically, I had flown across the ocean to see one son, his wife and his children – my grandchildren.I hadn’t seen them in two years, shame on me, and I couldn’t wait.
But COVID said I could wait and I would wait.
They all came to see me, but it was 2021 and the quarantine rules were still in effect. We had to be 6 feet apart and wearing masks. Can you imagine not hugging the children you traveled 12 hours to see? Day after day?And to make things worse, I was in a basement apartment with the tiniest jail-window – and I couldn’t even go out to take the garbage to the dumpster.
I had nothing to do with myself so I watched a continuing education credit course on my computer that sounded a bit weird but what the heck? Right? May as well.So there was Dr. Richard C. Schwartz saying that we had parts of us that tried to take over us – and our moods – but we could separate from them.
That would leave a space where the mood-part had separated, and somewhere in that space was a Self that could decide we didn’t have to be in a rotten mood after all.I’m like, “Wait a minute…You mean I don’t have to be p—-d right now? How is that possible?”
Because I really was p—-d. How could the reality of what I was experiencing change? It couldn’t. The quarantine was real. The kids – I couldn’t even see their sweet faces under those masks.So how could I not be in a grumpy, obnoxious mood?
But I sat down in a chair – you try it – and closed my eyes, and tried very hard to concentrate on that “part” of me that was in the bad mood and move it away, like a few inches, if possible.And I felt lighter.
A burden lifted.
A little bit, anyway.
I looked at the mood as if it were a thing, sitting there a few inches away, in my imagination.And that few inches of separation gave me room for better thoughts.
I knew I had a lot to be happy about. I was counting the days for quarantine to be over. The weather out was gorgeous and soon I’d be out walking.My grandchildren were sweet, cute, adorable and I loved them til my heart would burst.
My daughter-in-law was a good cook and the meals she brought were delicious. My son is an amazing man; I was so proud of him.
I took a deep breath, breathing in all the goodness that had been pushed aside by the bad mood.Having made a bit of space to see the good in my moment, I could smile. Actually smile.
I went back to the computer, continued watching the videos on Internal Family Systems, and I was hooked.A goner.
When I got back to New York, I devoured every book I could find on it and registered for the Level 1 formal training. And I haven’t stopped.
I know that I was very successful as a Marriage and Family Therapist for all the decades previously. I was shredding twenty-year old files and came across so many “thank yous” and so many good endings on the last pages of each.But honestly, I don’t know how that’s even possible. Without IFS, I can’t imagine how I could have helped anybody.
Maybe we stumbled around together and just because they knew I cared, that helped.Or maybe reminders to people about the damage that anger does was enough. I remember I had to tell people with a temper to bite their tongues – literally. I guess they were grateful to have some technique.
But gee whiz.
Now, all that has changed.
Now, people can get control very quickly over their own moods, even with behaviors that used to feel out of control. And they simply do it the way I did back in that basement apartment: by separating their true Self from the parts that want to take over.It gets easier and easier to do, too, even when triggered.
What’s even better than that is that so many people never experienced knowing that they had a Self. They always thought their grumpy, angry, cold, numb, intellectualizing, victim, distant, whatever mood was them.They were shocked – and very pleased – to discover it wasn’t.
That there was a whole lot more to them than they realized.
Imagine two people in a marriage each making this discovery of who they really are….…and then sharing it with each other.
You see, our true Selves are kind, loving, and don’t have an agenda.
Our true Selves don’t have to win or be right. They aren’t devastated, either, when they’re wrong. They’re too happy just to be alive in their own skin to sweat that stuff.That’s why that kind of sharing – sharing your Self – is real intimacy.
Are you afraid of it or do you want it?
I definitely want it! And Dr. Deb, I have really learned a lot from you. I just continue to struggle because I am the only one looking to be educated, looking to learn about my internal self and all of my parts, looking to better this marriage. It is extremely difficult when the other half of the marriage refuses to partake and instead just wants to hold onto a false belief firmly, blame me and consider himself without any issues. It is a tough wall to break down when a person does not want to do it, nor sees any faults in themselves at all (or at least outwardly says he has no issues – I have no idea what he thinks inside). My husband has become a stranger that I do not know anymore and he refuses to communicate about anything difficult at all. I continue to work on myself alone, and that helps me, but it does not help my marriage.
Thank you for your good words; I appreciate that. Your husband’s stubborn refusal comes from FEAR. The stronger the refusal, the greater the fear behind it. You will not be able to reason your way around fear. The question for you is: What do you want for yourself? It is a reasonable choice to say you will stay with your husband, whom you love. But that loyalty will not change him or his reactions, unfortunately. On the other hand, you have a chance if you speak about divorce, much as I am against it. Because *if* he is truly afraid of losing you more than he is afraid of looking inside himself, he will come around. But of course I don’t know whether he is. Note, too, that because he’s so tough, you will most likely need 2 or 3 years of work together for total healing so this is not cheap, either. Although the cost of divorce is far greater than that.
Hi Dr. Deb. I am inching closer to that, even though I do not want to, but I cannot take the unjust suffering anymore, it has been 3.5 years. I understand that fear is behind it, but fear of what? Is it fear of facing his own inner self? Is it really easier to unjustly mistreat me, the person who loves him unconditionally and supports him in every way, rather than look inside? Is that what fear does? He is certainly not being rational, so I do understand I cannot reason with him. I have given up on trying to do that. But, what has happened instead, is that I have been silenced. I have absolutely no voice in this marriage. It is only his perception that is allowed. He appears to be content living as two roommates rather than having the strong marriage that we had before. That does not work for me. I need communication, and that is something he will not do with his own issues. He does communicate around the issues we have with our special needs daughter and he thinks that is necessary, but he does not apply those same principles to himself. Go figure! I don’t understand how he can be so different regarding one problem (daughter) versus another (our marriage)!! It is so confusing to me, I don’t understand. I am so frustrated because I cannot figure him out. All I want is to talk about the elephant in the room and resolve it. He does not, he would rather ignore it while continuing to believe his own untruth and live like strangers. How is that healthy? I will say that that is exactly how his parents lived together until their death. They had unresolved issues that nobody every knew what they were, they barely spoke to each other and that was how they lived out their days. From my own observations, they never seemed to address any issues. They would ignore it. I cannot live that way. I come from a family that addresses everything.
There is a reason you don’t understand it – and this is big and it’s on you: You are operating from a place of logic. You’re putting the entire thing through logic as if logic were the goal of all human beings. Unfortunately, that is simply not reality. SURVIVAL is the goal and when a person is afraid, then survival means avoiding what they’re afraid of. You are correct when you ask, “is he afraid of facing his own inner self?” The answer is yes. You provide a clue when you discuss his parents’ relationship. There may have been something very scary about that to him as a child and that scared part of him is controlling his life. Empathy for you would mean releasing your grip on logic and feeling into his fears; then you’ll understand. However, empathy for his situation does not mean you have to tolerate the abuse that comes out of it.
That makes sense. Since he has always been a logical person, I never thought he had the ability to be anything other than that. I have never seen this irrational side of him. I am constantly thinking about his feelings, keeping that in mind, being empathetic, but I have neglected my needs, my voice and things have not changed for the better any way. I am tired of suffering unjustly because he is not addressing his internal issues, and that is where I am inching closer and closer to doing the very thing that I do not want to do. Continuing to live like this is making me very numb and very resentful. This is not healthy for anyone – not him, not me, not our daughters. I wish I could make him see that, but I can’t help him even though I really want to because he has made me the enemy.