. . . How Do We Do That?
If this group is anything, it is non-blaming.I hate pointing fingers.
When we do, then we sound like little kids in the schoolyard, “nah nah na-nah nah.”That’s not a fun life, feeling like the bad one all the time.
So along came Dr. Richard Schwartz and wholeheartedly agreed. He declared, “Every part of you is good. There are no bad parts.”And in therapy, “All parts are welcome.”
Why is that? How could that be?
Simply because the parts of us that were rude, obnoxious, or addicted or any other “bad” thing came about to protect us from the context we found ourselves in.You do what you have to do in order to survive a crazy world.
And then we grew up – but our parts are still caught in the time-warp of the past.
That is because, neurologically, they are neural circuits in our brains that keep coming up so often that there is no chance we will forget them and leave them in the past.So those are the parts that everyone calls bad.
Parts of Us Hurt People
The problem is that even if we look at you as an individual and recognize that the parts were there to save you, the fact is that they did hurt other people.They were rude
Or rejecting
Or lying
Or insensitive
Or cold
Or accusatory
Or addicted, distracted, zoned out.
They aren’t us but they are part of us.
It seems unfair that we should be responsible for parts of us that we may not have even known were there and felt as if we had no control over them.Sort of like being responsible for the antics our kids may pull outside the house.
We certainly didn’t teach them that!
But somehow, they’re in trouble and we have to take a part of that responsibility.See, the reality is that we did teach them “that,” whatever “that” was. Whether we intended to or not, we did.
Maybe we were too lenient, so they took advantage.
Maybe we were too strict so they rebelled.
Maybe we did everything right – but without the love and connection they needed.Maybe we were just too mentally pre-occupied to supervise them properly.
Maybe we were insensitive to their feelings.
There’s always a reason.
And it’s no different with our parts.
Our conscious Self just can’t cover everything. So our parts jump in automatically to take care of us.But – here’s the catch – they came into our lives when we were kid. So they think like kids.
That’s why we need to discover our Self energy so that we can take the proper care of these inner kids.Then, just like our own, external, kids, we won’t be too lenient or too strict or not loving enough. We will focus on their needs so we can supervise them properly rather than them running us.
We will be sensitive to their feelings because if we aren’t, they will continue to run us rather than submitting to our wisdom.Here’s the bottom line:
When we assume leadership of all our parts, that means we treat them with love and discipline, attention and respect.And that automatically means we are taking responsibility for the messes they make. It just happens, without any feeling of coercion.
How?
Because the Self-leadership within us gives us that compassion for ourselves and all of our parts to forgive them – and us – for the mistakes we made when our parts took over.It gives us the perspective to see that we have grown since those days when we allowed the bullies in us or the reactors or the victims to run our heads.
From a place of recognizing the distance we have traveled to get to where we are, we can appreciate our Selves more but also soothe and nurture those hurt parts of us that need it.That’s taking responsibility.
How do we get there?
That process of feeling Self energy as separate from the parts that have controlled us all our lives is kind of like learning to ride a bike – you’re definitely going to fall a few times til you “get” that kinesthetic feedback.It’s a learning process that usually requires some outside help. Very frankly, every therapist I hire to work in my Immersion Experience has their own therapist! Because we can’t see our backs and what’s going on there.
We just need that extra perspective.
Make sense?