I’ve heard the story too many times of people who go to therapy to fix a problem and they walk out with a bigger one.
The therapist wants to hear what’s going on so the couple obliges by starting a fight! Right there in front of the therapist. The therapist feels split at this moment. He wants to understand what’s happening, so he listens to the fight and doesn’t stop it.
But a part of him knows this can’t be helpful, so he tells the couple that he’d really like to help them to not fight any more. But he still does not know how to get the information he needs without hearing them interact. So the next visit is more of the same. Until the couple quits therapy.
What’s missing in this scenario is nobody is listening to each other. Once you deteriorate into fighting, you lose respect, and of course, there is no conversation happening.
Everyone is going on adrenalin: There is a deep feeling of being not listened to, not heard. And this is extremely painful, So everyone starts getting more hurt and more angry at each other, shouting their point in a desperate grab to get listened to.
But since both people are doing it, no one is listening.
Any coaching or therapy situation that is based on “hearing how people really are” is bound to fail because it always degenerates into this.
Any coaching or therapy program that is based on hearing people talk before teaching them to listen is bound to fail, too.
And there’s another thing: There are DIY coaching programs out there that expect everyone to stop fighting and start having fun. This is theoretically a great idea except for one problem: No one STILL gets heard. Okay, they have date night; they have fun. That’s very nice.
But real relationships are based on more than that. Real relationships have got to have real conversations. Real relationships have got to be based on intimacy. And intimacy is based on listening.
Sharing your deepest, scariest self. And someone listening.
But who, exactly, is going to listen? Your spouse, after all, is in the same boat. They don’t feel heard, either. Why should they give you the floor first?
And let’s complicate things, shall we? Suppose you or your spouse or both of you have the capacity to be mean. That’s right. I know it’s rare (okay, you know I’m being facetious) but some people actually can be mean to each other. They admit it all the time, so I guess it’s true. They say hurtful things on purpose.
Because they are so hurt and so angry that this is the only way they know to get back at their attacker.
So now, I ask you: Who wants to stand up and listen to that?
Not a soul, I assure you.
The problem is that when a marriage is teetering over the edge, it is all too easy for therapists to say, “Oh, go ahead and get a divorce.” That’s the easy way for the therapist and certainly the seemingly logical way for the couple. But it is not the easier way in the long term. (See all my posts on that subject.)
No, what is really needed is for me to listen to you – the mean you – both the mean you’s. And for me to help you see that being mean, though thrilling in the moment, was a really bad choice. And for me to help your spouse accept the apology that you give from the bottom of your heart.
In fact, it’s for me to help your spouse believe it is from the bottom of your heart and for me to help you want to make it. That is probably scarier than public speaking: “Me?” you’re thinking, “I have to be vulnerable? I have to apologize while I’m still hurt?”
Well, yeah, because your spouse is about to apologize back to you. There’s no problem trying to find out who “started.” You both did.
Because someone got hurt. That is always the way.
And someone felt not heard. That, too, is always the way.
Most people cannot do this on their own. They’re too proud which is a defensive posture for too scared. And too on automatic. They go into defense mode automatically and reject the person they’ve been with for 24 years or 34 years because their brain leads them there before they can say, “Wait!”
And they really have no tools. They do not know exactly what to say. And they certainly don’t know how to explain their own hurt feelings without sounding blameful and accusatory.
So I have no choice whatsoever. I’ve got to listen I listen to the “bad guy,” usually to both “bad guys.” There’s no other way to train your spouse to listen to you unless I do it first.
Tell me your story and we will look for solutions. https://drdeb.com/book