This is the third in a series. This all started with a live that I did a few weeks ago that was kinda rushed so I decided to elaborate a bit more in posts.8. Has Tools But Doesn’t Impose Them
Why not?
If the therapist thinks they’re good for you, what’s wrong with insisting on using them?My answer to that is that a good therapist kind of lets the client lead the way.
This increases the client’s belief that the therapist is truly interested in them. It’s not about scoring points for using the tools.So, for example, I like Affirmations. (See the library for a replay I did on that. I can’t put the link here or Facebook will think this post is spam.)
They are meant to remind you of your strengths and achievements.
But for one person, they were a reminder of the opposite. That is, every time they said an Affirmation, they remembered the bad thing that happened that made them need to say it. So it boomeranged.And that was that. We skipped over Affirmations.
Someone else couldn’t focus on their breath because it made them feel like they would hyperventilate. That could happen.So we skipped that.
Other people do not like the idea of “parts” so we don’t call them parts. We just think of them as the thoughts or feelings that parade through our brains all day long.It’s okay.
9. Checks In With Own Parts
Therapists are human. They can react. They can get triggered.
Yes, we are human!
And therefore, we all have parts. Parts that can be emotionally immature just like anyone else’s.So it’s very important for a therapist – no matter how Self-led – to check in with their own parts during sessions if they notice any particular unexpected feelings or sensations.
They’d need to ask themselves: Why do I feel this way? What part is that?
And they have to have the skill to do that in real time while still listening to you.They might also draw on their humility and even say, “I felt triggered just now. Give me a moment to see what’s going on inside of me.”
That will humanize them in your eyes even more.
10. Helps To Guide Clients To Notice and Get To Know Parts – From a Place of Self
This sounds hard, but it’s not. Once a therapist has all the other qualities, this is just a fun methodology that really, really works.
Let me give a plug here for IFS (Internal Family Systems) and why it’s so powerful.Can you see how a therapy process in which no one is at fault and no one is to blame – ever can take a huge weight off of anyone’s shoulders?
The founder of IFS, Dr. Richard C. Schwartz, believes that our Self is not capable of being damaged. It is beautiful and as perfect as a human being can be. It has wisdom, perspective, connection, compassion, and more. So when we act badly, it is not us, but immature kid parts of us that are doing it and our Selves can be a good parent to these inner children, and lovingly quiet them down.Think of it – a therapy process that’s always positive and uplifting. Wow!
Sure, if the parts of one person hurt the other person, that is a downer. But in sorting it out, there’s no blame. There’s only encouragement to the Self to take leadership of these parts.
The beauty here is that once a person experiences Self energy, it is so powerful, feels so good, so liberating and expansive, that it becomes easier and easier to get back into that feeling.And that, in turn, makes it easier and easier to take leadership over our acting-out parts.
Once the therapist knows how to do that, it is a matter of helping couples practice this wonderful experience in each other’s presence so that they can communicate with honesty and compassion.Which of these 10 qualities do you like best? Which do you wish your therapist had?
And which does your current therapist have? (If you have one, hang onto them; they’re rare.)