For the first 3 qualities of a Great Therapist, see previous post. (Part 1) 4. Wisdom
My definition of Wisdom is the ability to know what to say and do and what not to in each moment.If that’s hard, I agree.
It’s built on three things:
#1. experience.
The more you’ve gone through in life and sorted it all out, the more you seem to “know” what the outcome will be of your actions. Some people don’t have this in spite of their years.That’s because they’re lacking the other two.
#2. honesty
In order to profit from that experience, there has to be honesty with yourself. You need to “man-up” (or woman-up!) to admit where you goofed; you need to be willing to look at yourself through someone else’s eyes.And not be defensive about it. It goes with the next one, humility.
#3. humility
Humility is so soothing. It means we don’t have to be perfect.So when someone comes along with some bad news about the therapist’s behavior, they can be okay with it. They accept their flaws, want to correct them of course, but don’t beat themselves up.
They also don’t need to be brilliant. We’re all human here.
Humility is a key to not being defensive.
A therapist who has this quality of wisdom will be less likely to let you down. It isn’t everything, but Wisdom is a lot.
5. Cares
This should be obvious. Why would anyone become a therapist if they didn’t care? And the answer is that sometimes they might care but their own insecure parts get in the way.You can tell if insecure parts get in the way when they
– aren’t listening
– seem worried as to how to respond to you
– give formulaic replies, like they read somewhere that this is what you say
– or cross boundaries by sharing their own feelings way too much
Now, I myself will share my feelings – as you’ve seen here! But then there’s personal and too personal.Like if a male therapist told a female client how attractive she is in a tone that mean he was attracted to her.
Or worse.
There is a darker reason people become therapists, too. I hate to say it but we need honesty here: Power.I’ve heard awful stories of therapists manipulating vulnerable clients in various ways. That is not caring.
6. Has Curiosity
Now, there is a huge difference between asking a question from a place of real curiosity and asking it in a tone that sounds judgmental.It’s all in the tone.
Curiosity is something that you don’t find enough of in therapy. Often therapists jump to conclusions and assumptions about the people they want to help.And their conclusions are just plain wrong – simply because they aren’t in your head so how can they know more than you do about you?
The need for genuine curiosity is great. Test this one out. How many times in a session does your therapist ask for more about X or clarification about Y?How often does he reflect back what you said and ask if he understood you correctly?
It turns out that each and every one of us is very deep. So there’s a lot of questions to be asked.7. Connected but not Sucked In
When the therapist cares – maybe even by taking messages after hours, for example – and feels connected to a couple, what happens when there’s drama?Nothing.
Or at least there should be nothing happening.
The therapist, deep within herself, understands her own limits.
Meaning, she – or he – is not a miracle worker; they can’t “make” anyone do anything. They know it’s out of their hands.So they never try to control the people they’re helping.
They have no agenda.
Listen, I admit I have a goal for people – I want to see them happy in their marriages.Not just tolerating or accepting, but happy.
But if two people aren’t making the right effort to make that happen, then I’m ready to hit the “D” button.That’s the difference between a goal and an agenda.
It’s about how attached your therapist is to an outcome.
In fact, this is true for you as well. An agenda means you “need” that outcome. And a goal is something good to go for but you are okay if it doesn’t work out.You don’t “need” it.
As soon as a therapist gets sucked in to the viewpoint of one half of the couple or the other, the game’s over.
If no one is “bad” and no one has “bad parts” then the therapy process is always one of discovery, mutual sharing between the couple, and the closeness and connection the couple will have for each other as a result.The therapist who roots for one side or the other has not gone deep enough with either of them to really know who they are.
The deeper you go, the more you see the entire human being, the beauty and the struggle.That’s why a good therapist wouldn’t take sides, wouldn’t need to or want to.
Does this point make sense?
In fact, I’d love to hear your therapy experiences and how they match up with these four qualities in a great therapist.