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Sure, a great therapist needs “skill.” But skill at doing what?Not so clear, right? How do you measure the skill needed to save a marriage? – It’s a tall order!
So without further ado, let me share my take on what makes a great therapist.1. Being Non-judgmental
This is the top one.See, research has shown that regardless of therapy methods or philosophy, the most important thing that makes therapy helpful is the connection between the therapist and the client.
This makes sense. To share what’s going on in his inner world, the client has to trust his therapist. So the therapist can’t be judgmental. That would shut anybody down in three seconds.
Yet any therapist working for a community organization, hospital, or medical office will have to give a diagnosis. And any therapist in private practice who takes insurance will have to also give a diagnosis. That’s part of the job.Our team will not give a diagnosis unless you insist. We don’t believe in it. Read on to see why . . .
A diagnosis is a judgment.
In fact, if you think about it, it’s belittling. It’s saying something is wrong with you.Now you might argue that there is something wrong with you – that’s why you’re seeing a therapist.
If you believe that, you’ve been brainwashed.
Let’s just say that you get angry easily and a cloud of misery envelopes you; you don’t want to hear whatever it is your partner was saying, and you slam out the door.Anyone would agree that behavior like that isn’t helpful to your relationships.
So of course you need a diagnosis, right?
Uh, no.
Here’s a question about this story: Do you always do all those bad things?Or are there times when you can be funny?
How about at work – are you skillful at your job?
Do you do an amazing job making your son feel good about himself?Can you cook a delicious meal?
See the problem with mental health diagnoses – besides being negative and belittling – is that they don’t tell the whole story.They leave out the rest of who you are.
Where did the loving father go? The generous friend? The resilient manager in a tough work situation?See?
Any diagnosis that leaves out part of who you are is judgmental. It implies that that stuff is a small part of you, not important.
Is that just and fair? Is that accurate?
I don’t think so.
Now, you may ask, “Well DrDeb, how do the professionals know how to treat someone without a diagnosis?”That would be a good question if you don’t know whether the problem is a heart attack or acid indigestion.
But I have some news for you: Therapists don’t use the diagnosis to treat people; they use it to get paid by insurance companies! Don’t confuse a medical diagnosis with a psychological one.The big problem is that the diagnosis ends up playing with the therapist’s head. Not only does it insult you, but it pushes your therapist away. At an unconscious level, they’re thinking, “This person is sick.” Can you see how distancing that is?
That’s an automatic wall the therapist’s own unconscious – or even conscious – is building between himself and his client.How can he understand you if he has built a wall between you and himself in his own mind?? How can he have any empathy?
No wonder so many therapists turn to the other spouse and say, “Your husband has a [fill in the blank with a terrible diagnosis]; you need a divorce.”So, yeah, being judgmental, including giving a diagnosis, turns out to be very unhealthy and unhelpful.
So what does being NON – judgmental look like?
It’s a feeling of total acceptance of a person as he or she is.
It’s curiosity about what’s going on that caused the people to react as they did.That means bad behavior and unacceptable behavior is something to be curious about, not judgmental of.
It’s caring and wanting to help.
You know what? It’s being willing to enter deeply into a relationship.2. Knowing How To Engage Difficult People
As it turns out, once a therapist is non-judgmental, engaging challenging people is easy. It comes from warmth, caring, concern, and curiosity about the other person.And it comes from compassion.
What’s compassion? – It’s putting yourself in someone else’s shoes – without getting pulled into their pain.
And exactly how can anyone do that?
It’s true that we only have lived our own life, not someone else’s. So how can we have the audacity to tell them or even to think “I know what you’re going through”?We can’t do that.
But here is what we can do, and we can do very well: We can draw on the feelings we’ve had in the experiences and pain that we went through, and we can make a good guess about how rough it was or still is for our client.We don’t need to say that we understand; our caring and connection will be felt by the other person.
Don’t forget, if we truly are non-judgmental, then the client can do absolutely anything and we won’t sit in judgment. Can you imagine how healing that is all by itself? With no other tools needed?3. Therapist’s Self Takes the Lead
The most challenging part of working with couples is when each one triggers the other and the therapist’s job is not to be a mediator or a moderator but to help each person locate their own Self energy so that they can speak from the heart without dishing out hurt.I call that “Compassionate Honesty.” It is the top layer on my cake in the LinkTree list of your extra reading.
(If you don’t know what I’m talking about, your LinkTree list should be in your Welcome message from me. It’s also in the Guides section of our Facebook group.)
Well, if that is so challenging, can you imagine how much worse it becomes when the therapist himself is not led by his own Self energy?That’s when you get therapists inappropriately crossing boundaries.
Like being “hurt” by something you did.
(No, they have no right to be hurt. They should understand that you’re going through stuff; that’s why you came to therapy. . . .
. . . So if you’ve said something hurtful, it is merely coming from those parts of you that are trying to fix things in unhelpful ways. Your therapist should understand that.)Or they cross boundaries by being defensive.
Or rude.
Yes, I’ve heard all of the above, unfortunately.
Self energy is the antidote to all that.
Self energy for the therapist means that she is not led by angry, hurt, vengeful, victim protector parts or other young parts. She is led by seeing the Big Picture; that’s Self.It means that she can talk to her parts with love and understanding, listening attentively to their concerns – but always being in charge. In charge of them. In charge of the situation. In charge of herself.
With all that clients have to go through, all of their baggage and pain, the last thing they need is a therapist at the mercy of his own Inner Kids.
Stay tuned for the remaining 7 Qualities of a Great Therapist.