I absolutely hate being negative because I believe in people – even therapists.
But I keep hearing how people argue in the therapy room and go out no better than they came in.
Why doesn’t it work? Well, if you’ve been in therapy, check and see if this is what it was like:
* You seemed to be caught in an endless repetition of old stuff
* The therapist thought the solution was to put a label on one or both of you
* The therapist thought the solution was to insist one or both of you go on medication
* The therapist didn’t offer any direction
* The therapist thought that if all you did was come in, that would somehow magically work
* You never were given homework or tools to practice
* The therapist gave you tools but there was no time in the session to go over any confusion or questions you had
* You were always feeling disgusted by or angry at your partner and this internal feeling was never addressed
* You found your emotions on a roller coaster but nothing was done about them – except the recommendation of medication
* The whole process was painful with no letup, no laughs, no good moments
* Sometimes things that were said triggered sharp and awful memories but this was not addressed; there was no time to discuss important things like this when therapy was busy with both of you debating whose turn it was to take out the garbage.
The Pastor at your Church certainly does not know how to get around this, let alone Masters level mental health counselors or even Ph.D. level psychologists. They simply don’t have the training and experience that some higher-level marriage and family therapists do.
When you add to this the possibility that one or both of you is suffering from trauma that may have pre-existed the marriage, you can see how it gets complicated.
So what do you need? You need a program like Love Yourself because it has step-by-step tools for you to learn by yourself without the stress of dealing with partner “issues.” That step-by-step piece means that you must work on yourself first. Only then, when you are rock-solid in the following ways, can you begin to communicate:
*Inner Authority – since most people really don’t know themselves at all – including your feelings, wants, and needs.
*Emotional Agility so you don’t bite your spouse’s head off – or go into victim mode – when they say the wrong thing. In other words, triggers will be a thing of the past. In other words, you must find a place of inner peace within yourself so you’re never triggered again and happy with who you are no matter how challenged.
*Intentional Self-Adoration which means no one can ever undermine you again.
*and Compassionate Honesty because you can speak your truth in a loving way that deepens the relationship. This is where the couples communication begins – and it’s good because the foundation was set.
At the same time, your partner is carefully working through those very same tools and your coach/mentor is there to answer your questions and support you on your journey of healing, assertiveness, and self-discovery.
I was talking to a couple who didn’t even start counseling. The wife insisted on it and the husband kind of drifted along, believing things were “getting better” because he was “trying.” He had no tools to try with; he had no attunement to others to know if the “trying” even worked; he was so emotionally disconnected from himself that he didn’t even know what he wanted or where he was going; and he was so overwhelmed by her threats to end the marriage that he couldn’t think straight.
His wife concluded: See, he doesn’t care. If he really cared, he would have gotten counseling.
The reality is that he was too confused and disconnected to care. It was not a moral fault; it was a coping mechanism that had served him well when he was six and his own parents would get into arguments. Disconnecting was a brilliant coping mechanism for a little boy that would become too overwhelmed and frightened if he allowed his emotions their freedom. So he reined them in.
In fact, research now has the ability (with fMRI imaging) – can you imagine? – to show us just how “offline” the brain can be when someone has that emotional disconnection. So it’s a coping mechanism that actually has a physical basis in the brain.
But this just shows how you can’t go by a person’s bad experience with counseling – including not even starting it – to assume that the other person cannot be helped.
What this guy desperately needs is help with overcoming old traumas so that his full brain can come “online” again. Then he can be “there,” fully present, for his family.
Until such time as he has worked with me on precisely this, marriage counseling will not work. And neither will anything else.
The same is true for all the other Mikes, Melindas, Sams and Sandys. The wrong kind of counseling did not work. But you haven’t yet tried the right kind.
Never, never say that because therapy was a bomb that nothing will work. Farthest thing from the truth.
No, talk to me instead. Book a call to get clarity on why things never worked before and how I can help you – rather quickly – make them work. https://drdeb.com/book . Whether we end up working together or not, the call itself will reveal things about yourself that you didn’t see but will recognize immediately as true when you hear them. Eye-openers like this get the process of knowing yourself (Inner Authority) started.
(Please note that after you schedule the appointment, you’ll be taken to a short application form to fill out. That will save us about 20 min out of the call; that’s why I need it done!)