John Gottman is a long-standing researcher of what makes marriages work – or more accurately, fail.I’m thinking it was about 40 years ago that he created the Love Lab at the University of Washington. He advertised for volunteer couples to spend a weekend there.
While they hung out with each other in a small suite of rooms, Gottman ran cameras in every room but the bathroom and bedroom.And so he collected tens of thousands of hours of data. And came to a very simple conclusion: Only 4 things destroy a marriage. Just 4.
But watch out for them because they are highly toxic. So much so that Gottman called them the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. They are:
Criticism Defensiveness Stonewalling Contempt Now, imagine the scene: A wife, Maddy, wants, desperately, to end her husband, Charlie’s abuse. She doesn’t realize it, but the things he’s done fall into the above categories.She begs, pleads, yells, argues, and threatens to get Charlie into marriage counseling. Finally, finally, he agrees.
With great hesitation and reluctance, Charlie and Maddy attend their first couple’s session. The therapist, Dr. Funicula, smiles pleasantly, welcomes them, and asks what’s going on.Maddy jumps in. “Just yesterday, Charlie started yelling at me. It happens every day.”
Dr. Finnicula was interested to understand Charlie better, so he asked, “Is that right? You yell at your wife every day?”
Let’s stop the action here. Take a moment and think about how that question would sit with you if Dr. Funicula asked you that…especially if it were true. Could it perhaps feel like one of the 4 Horsemen? Which one, do you think?Charlie squirmed in his seat. He could feel red, hot Shame washing over him. He knew it was true. But the Shame was intolerable so another part of Charlie came to the rescue and said in a raised tone, “It wouldn’t happen if she gave me an ounce of respect.”
The anger felt so good, so liberating, Charlie thought. He raised his voice. He was feeling much more in control now. “And I don’t care for your assh— question, either.”Dr. Funicula was a bit ruffled but definitely didn’t want it to show. After all, he is the “authority,” the “professional.” Professionals don’t get ruffled, right?
[Ahem. Please know if you’re new to this group, that was me being a bit sarcastic.]
So he looked sternly at Charlie and told him to sit quietly. Charlie didn’t like any of that and he marched out, never to return to “counseling” again.[I put “counseling” in quotation marks because, IMO, that isn’t counseling although, unfortunately, that is what goes on in many counseling officies.]
Dr. Funicula turned to Maddy who was very upset and in tears. She was frustrated beyond words with her husband. She had no clue that she contributed to the problem. But she looked at Dr. Funicula for guidance.So he gave her some.
“I’m sorry, Maddy, but your husband has a Bipolar Narcissistic Personality Disorder [I made that up because it’s fun.] Frankly, he can’t be helped and I would advise you to get a divorce.”I wish this weren’t a true story. Well, the names are changed and the words have changed. But the nonsense to get a divorce because someone has some kind of “mental illness” is just terrible. It’s an atrocious form of abuse by a so-called therapist who doesn’t understand Gottman’s principle.
Remember, Gottman’s principles apply to therapists too. They’re people. And they have been given a serious charge in their code of ethics: First do no harm.Well, they did.
So much for the joking around; let’s get serious. When a therapist tells a client what’s wrong with him: that is a criticism. Yes! And when he tells the spouse to leave the person, that’s contempt. There’s no getting away from this.
The ONLY way to do therapy with people who act wrongly and mistreat their partners is to LIKE the real person that is scared and shaking underneath the tough exterior.No, you don’t have to like your partner, just yet. If you’re mad, frustrated, so fed up, we get that. Allow yourself the luxury of feeling that way for a minute or two.
But we therapists – uh uh. We’re not allowed that minute of looking down our noses at people. We have to enjoy them, like them, care about them, and want to see them grow like a well-fed plant that blooms pretty colors. And we do.Or at least the people on my team do.
Supposing one of them had handled that first contact with Charlie and Maddy. How might it have gone?
Well, first our Love Yourself Love Your Marriage therapist might have also asked for a bit of background. And Maddy would have reacted the same.Maddy jumps in. “Just yesterday, Charlie started yelling at me. It happens every day.”
LYLYM Person: How come that happens?
Maddy: I don’t know.
LYLYM Person pauses waiting for Charlie to jump in, which he does.
Charlie: She just doesn’t understand me. It is soooo aggravating.
LYLYM Person: Yeah, that certainly is aggravating. What have you tried to do to get understood?
Let’s take our pause here.
What do you notice my team Person is not doing? Not criticizing or implying it. Not blaming, not getting holier-than-thou. Non-judgmental is the word. Go back and look at the previous posts on our VALUES here. Just interested, curious, caring. No one is getting blamed. Not Maddy either. She is a normal human being and isn’t reacting well to Charlie being frustrated with her. Could she do better? Sure.Will she do better? 100% if she works with us.
And can Charlie learn to tame that part of him that expects so much from others? Yes, by rescuing that inner boy that wasn’t understood. We do that too and the frustration and aggravation he has go away.
See the difference?