Suppose a client walks into a therapist’s office every week for a month and each time, he has a spot on his shirt. He is down and out, looking for a job and can’t get one. Should the therapist:
a. tell him flat out that he has spots on his clothes?
b. ignore the spots as if nothing happened?
c. ignore the spots and roll her eyeballs at the ceiling as she describes this “social misfit” client she has to her co-workers?
If this list sounds harsh, I’m sorry to say, it’s true.
I was working in a community service agency for a number of years before I started my private practice and (c) is exactly how the therapists talked to each other about clients.
It made me want to cry.
And I got out of there as soon as I was able to.
So what would I do, specifically? I would gently mention that I noticed he had spots on his clothes and I wonder if he noticed them himself. It could be that he didn’t realize they were there, or his eyesight is not good, or he didn’t think it mattered, or because he was poor he couldn’t afford better clothes and the spots didn’t come out.
But I guarantee you, I would mention something. I’m a WYSIWYG therapist – what you see is what you get – much like a printing app.
After all, suppose the man knew about the spots and was embarrassed by them? Then which is worse, me asking or him not getting a job because the interviewers aren’t asking?
If that were the case, I’d send him to three different thrift shops where he could get some clean and nice clothes without spots. Maybe he was too down to realize there were some in his area. Who knows?
The same would be true of a marriage situation. If one of the partners doesn’t seem “in” – as in invested – I would call it out. Maybe they’re not but afraid to speak up. And what if they did speak up because I called it out? Maybe some action could be taken in that case.
I’ve got a mental list of QUITE a number of men who are afraid to rock the boat on their walled-off wives. They’re dying for affection, getting zero, and terrified to speak up about it for fear the wife will take off. But what’s the benefit of keeping silent?
Think about that one. There’s this guy suffering in silence. He doesn’t believe in himself. He’s terrified if he opens his mouth to complain about the coldness, his wife will leave him all together. And he doesn’t believe in himself enough to think that maybe he could do better if she did.
In fact, he doesn’t believe in himself enough to tell her he is lonely and miserable and look what SHE is missing by her coldness. He’s tortured, conflicted, and not willing to look at himself. He’s like the guy with the spot on his jacket. He knows it’s there but hopes no one else notices. Which of course they do. But they’re all playing a game of pretending it’s not.
With people like that, I always want to be up front. So much good can come of my simple observation.
I could see the wife lashing out at the hapless guy who is so uninvolved, maybe even cheating. But all I’d have to do is mention how lonely it must be for him when his wife’s wall is up – and presto! – the walls must of necessity start to come down because now I put HER on the hot seat.
Being honest – with love – is a healthy combination. And that is what you get when you work with me. For the truth that you need to hear, book a call: https://drdeb.com/book.