Mary screamed. She did not like herself screaming. She hated it. But she couldn’t help it. She screamed at Tim. It was nasty.
Tim retreated to his phone. In fact, he walked out the door and retreated to his phone.
But the reality is that Tim did not fix any of the things Mary was screaming about. He did not call her the next day when he was coming home late. And he was late. Boy, was he.
He did not go with her to her mother’s, something he grudgingly used to do.
But he did call her a name a day later. And felt good about it. Got back at her. Ha.
Well, that good feeling lasted about 15 seconds. Then he felt grouchy, angry, and disconnected.
Needless to say, Mary let loose on Tim all over again. She was so angry at this latest injustice that she was practically frothing at the mouth. (Oh, she really, really hated herself for being this way. Even more than she was angry at Tim.)
It is no surprise that a day later found her nicely dressed sitting opposite a divorce attorney. In the quiet of his office, she cried. He wisely had a stack of tissue boxes in the supply cabinet right next to his Pepto Bismal. He wondered why he hadn’t just gone into Real Estate law.
Mary was lucky to get a kind-hearted divorce lawyer. It meant that he would try his best to make this go smoothly rather than racking up tens of thousands of dollars on needless paperwork and court filings.
And Tim was lucky that Mary really didn’t – in her heart of hearts – want the divorce. She just wanted to be loved, understood, listened to, made first, and important.
She told the attorney she would return when she was ready, but perhaps she was not ready after all.
Suddenly Tim Gets It
At dinner, she confessed to Tim that she saw an attorney. “I cannot do this anymore. I’m done. Absolutely done,” she told him. “This needs to be fixed or we are done.”
Tim was frightened. This is not what he wanted. Ever. Tears stung the back of his eyes but manly guy that he was, no one saw them. Too bad. They could have helped.
In a thousand different ways, this scenario replays itself across the world. Sometimes the man is the one who files, but usually (70% of the time) it’s the woman. Sometimes, they don’t go ahead to file, but when they do, there’s no turning back. It’s a huge step to file.
It happens when you just give up and figure there is no other choice. Even after 20 or 30 years. Because if screaming did not get through, what would?
So the better option is to tell them you went to an attorney and that you’re going to file, but not actually do so. Yet.
The people in that category are the ones I’m helping. For some reason, that wakes up the non-listeners, the ones who used to hear the screaming and manage to blot it out.
I see this again and again; the guy is now frightened and willing to listen. These guys do a great job working with me. They really take in what I’m teaching and they make changes, fast. For some wives, it’s too late. They’re sick of it. For others, it feels great to finally have some third party validate what they’ve been through.
But Why Didn’t Tim Listen In The First Place?
I’m not making excuses. He was lazy. He took advantage of Mary, knowing she was always there for him, loving him. He was selfish. He was comfortable.
What he wasn’t is this: He had no clue how to be empathetic.
But you know what? That means that no one – before Mary came along – taught him empathy.
No one was necessarily empathetic to him. And ladies, he had a mom. That would be his mom’s job. So watch how to you relate to your sons. Don’t be harsh and don’t tell them to “man up.”
Don’t skip over their feelings. Because then they will grow up unable to listen to their wives. Unable to feel for the pain they’re putting their wives in.
Until their wives have had it and serve them with divorce papers.
See?
If you want an empathetic husband, raise empathetic sons so some woman out there won’t suffer as you are now.
Can This Be Fixed?
Absolutely it can. Empathy can be taught and every man who I teach loves it. They want to be emotionally connected to their wives once they learn the rewards.
No one really likes being out in the cold.
Is this process easy? Well, it takes work. And commitment. It takes willingness to listen and put their trust in the process. It takes resources of time and energy. But it’s a whole lot nicer than divorce. Way cheaper, too. With a lovely ending.
How?
Through my 12-week intensive course of group and personal coaching and 1:1 therapy. From the very first module, people must tune into their feelings, wants, and needs. The old days of tuning out will be gone.
Let’s look at the layers of this course:
*Taming Your Triggers. One of the things you need to know in order to heal is what triggers you. We all get disturbed by certain things. We can hide it, even from ourselves – but it is doomed to come out somehow anyway. So this part of the program is to conquer it.
We will bypass your conscious mind (which has not been helpful so far) to do it!
*Self-Validation. We suffer from limiting beliefs. We know who we are but don’t like who we are. That’s got to change. I give you the tools to believe the changes in your attitude!
*Compassionate Honesty. This will get you past resentment and bitterness. You now can clearly, honestly, and openly communicate .
And it is filtered through a heart of compassion that came from your hard work in Self Validation. This deepens the connection between you.
To get deeper into this information, please join my private group on Facebook, https://www.facebook.com/groups/LoveYourselfLoveYourMarriage.