As I look at all the people I’ve worked with over time and the people that I’m currently helping across rocky terrain, one thing becomes clear to me: Our society dismisses emotions.
It’s normal to dismiss something you don’t understand.
Not too helpful and certainly not very nice, but normal.
By “normal,” I don’t mean mentally healthy. I just mean “it happens a lot.”
Somewhere along the line, humanity decided that emotions were too difficult to figure out so why bother? My own emotions, your emotions, everyone’s. Let’s just pretend they’re not there, sweep them under the rug, and move on.
Especially since they’re so. . . illogical. Humph. Who needs that?
This works amazingly well. Think of all the successful people who don’t recognize theirs. Or their spouses’. They plow forward, carrying on – successfully in all areas that don’t require emotions – living, breathing, enjoying life at whatever level that is, and they seem pretty content from the outside.
And of course, they will – normally – end up in divorce court over it. Jeff Bezos comes to mind. Trump has been there a few times.
Except for the fact that the reality is that we were implanted with emotions for a reason.
Emotions give us information. When we feel a certain way, it tells us things we need to know. If we feel feverish, chances are we need to check for an infection. If we feel hungry, we ought to consider lunch. Or dinner. Many of us have trouble recognizing these feelings, let alone the more intangible ones that deal with the heart.
But if we were able to recognize our own emotions and – bonus! – other people’s, we would and could avoid a lot of trouble.
What’s the biggest reason that people divorce? The answer according to many polls: “Communication problems.” But what does that mean?
Imagine driving with a blindfold on. Scary, huh?
When people “communicate,” if they are not correctly “reading” the meaning and intention in the other person’s words and actions, then it’s like driving blind. They misinterpret all the time; they give unclear signals themselves; they are not even clear in what they want to say in the first place!
Why is that?
Because they are not reading their own, let alone their partner’s, emotions.
And they don’t even know that they aren’t.
They assume whatever they want to infer from what their partner says and does based on their own past experience without checking or even thinking that maybe they should check what they’re interpreting. Jumping to conclusions? Certainly. And everyone does it.
What’s more, if Jimmy were to ask Jessie what she meant, she wouldn’t be able to tell him anyway. She’s so far removed from understanding her own feelings, that she can’t even express what they are.
So she thinks she’s giving clear messages to Jimmy but none of it makes sense to him. She begs, she pleads, she reasons. She gets hysterical. She goes cold.
Nothing, absolutely nothing works. So she concludes: “People don’t change.”
Ahem.
To take the driving analogy, if everyone drove around blindfolded and no one ever took off their blindfold, then eventually being in a state of willful blindness would be normal. If someone kept shouting, “You’re going to crash! Watch out!” it would not make much sense. The idea of removing the blindfold would simply not be on anyone’s radar.
But emotions actually are the “window” to reality.
We really know what’s going on with another person (and ourselves) when we have the language of emotions down pat. That means the blindfolds are off and we can “see” with amazing clarity what is going on with another person.
Just to prove to you that this is accurate, how is it that I can meet a couple that I have never spoken to before and after about a half-hour of chatting about their history together, I’ve totally figured out what the problem was in their marriage that was eluding them for twenty years?
It would be funny if it weren’t tragic.
But that couple doesn’t need to sit with me week after week after dreadful week, interpreting one to the other. That couple must learn the language of emotions – their own, first, and their spouse’s, second.
Is this difficult? Yes, of course. That’s why everyone has colluded in pretending that emotions aren’t important. Easier that way.
But it is far from impossible. It is something that can be learned in a matter of weeks, actually. Just like any other “language,” you can begin to build a “vocabulary” right away.
Now, you might want to argue with me on this. You might say, “No, DrDeb, I explained that I was hurt that my husband wasn’t looking for work. I explained that it frightened me. I was very clear. We looked at the numbers and it was clear that we couldn’t go on. How was I not sharing my emotions?”
Well, Jessie, you might have been sharing them; that’s true. But does he relate to “hurt” and “frightened”? Does Jimmy understand these concepts from his own experience? Jimmy was told to “man up” and “don’t be a cry baby” as a kid. He was not allowed to be either hurt or frightened. So how is he to relate to your words? What sense can he make of them? …. None at all.
It’s not that you didn’t try. It’s that he didn’t receive. Not because he didn’t want to but because he had no basis to understand the depth of your pain.
Those are the key words here – “the depth of your pain.” You know there are two kinds of knowing. There’s what you read in a book, or someone tells you. And then there’s the experience. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that compares to having the same experience as another human being to really “know” something.
Can you truly describe to someone what it’s like to be on a roller coaster? Or to be where you were for your last vacation? Or what it’s like for you, for that matter, to be belittled? Put down? Lost? Abandoned?
I don’t think so.
They’d have to have experienced it themselves in order to “get” it. And not only that, they’d have to have employed the same coping skills as you to really, definitely get it. If your coping skill was to feel your pain and theirs was to avoid their pain and just “plow through” to deal with life’s curve balls, then they still will not get it.
That’s why it looks to you like people don’t change.
You’re speaking two different languages. There’s no way they will get it without a “translator.”
Or, better than sitting week after week having someone “translate” – which is one of the things that makes therapy take years, what about a course that simply teaches you the language? A course combined with coaching. That is what my 9-week intensive group and private therapy/coaching hybrid called Love Yourself is all about. Here are the highlights of what you’ll gain:
- Inner Authority – Since most people really don’t know themselves, we develop deep self-awareness of feelings, wants, needs, and triggers.
- Emotional Agility – The tools you need so you don’t bite your spouse’s head off – or go into victim mode – when they say the wrong thing. You are no longer triggered!
- Intentional Self-Adoration – This means no one can ever undermine you again because your belief in yourself is rock-solid. By adoring yourself, you have compassion left over for your partner. Your cup is no longer empty; you’re no longer needy or self-deprecating.
- Compassionate Honesty – This teaches you to speak your truth but in a way that is kindly and brings the marriage to a deeper level.
With me, change is possible and doable, provided you will step up to the plate to do the work. Book a free call to find out exactly how this relates to your life https://drdeb.com/book.
Whether we end up working together or not, the call itself will reveal things about yourself that you didn’t see but will recognize immediately as true when you hear them. Eye-openers like this get the process of knowing yourself (Inner Authority) started.
(Please note that after you schedule the appointment, you’ll be taken to a short application form to fill out. That will save us about 20 min out of the call; that’s why I need it done!)