According to researchers – who’ve spent their entire careers studying romantic love and passion – it is possible to be in love for life.
The researchers studied the brains of couples who were married at least 10 years. They completed all kinds of self-report tests, looked at pictures of their loved ones while in the MRI scanners, and were also given pictures of friends to control for closeness and friendship.
And here’s what they found: Long-term married couples can have that same excitement and desire to be together as new romantic partners. “According to correlations with self-report measures, passionate/romantic love scores were generally associated with dopamine-rich systems,” Yes – the same systems that get activated by “a cocaine induced high.”
The only difference the researchers found between early and long-term romance, from the brain imaging data, was that long-term romance did not have that obsessive quality that new romance often has. Rather, the long-term lovers had a greater sense of calm associated with their yearning to be connected to one another.
The partners in the study were, on average, having sex twice a week and part of their romantic feelings included arousal in the parts of the brain that become automatically excited at thoughts of a sexual partner.
Not only that, the parts of the brain associated with fear and anxiety were stilled and quieted in these couples. And, just to make matters more complicated, the areas of the brain associated with bonding as in child-mother bonding were active as well. Note that this bonding in mothers and children does not activate the parts of the brain associated with romantic love. So this phenomenon is in addition to, not instead of, the romantic love results for people in long-term marriages who still felt romantically in love with their partners.
But that’s not the way it often is, right? Often, long-term couples have forgotten why they ever were in love. their lives are full of venom and they do not know how to crawl their way back to the happy, excited moments they once had. They’re so hurt from what the other did, they’ve lost sight of their own role in the collapse.
And, very frankly, going over and over the bad stuff is NOT the solution. (That is where most couples and therapists get it wrong.) It brings more pain and more reasons to feel unheard – and to attack as a result.
What is needed is a comprehensive program that addresses the past hurts without finger pointing, addresses the need to make oneself heard which is fair and gives everyone a chance, and addresses the alienation between the couple by bringing them back together as true intimate partners. Is this easy?
Heck no. I’d be lying.
It takes a huge degree of commitment to give up one’s old attitudes and replace them with new, healthier ones. Commitment to oneself, perhaps most of all. Commitment to take emotional care of oneself through actions, words, and even thoughts.
But if you have that commitment – to yourself, your marriage, and your partner – and you want to put the effort out, I’m here for you! Book a call with me so you can also become long-term romantic partners.
Now, of course, your first response to this could be, “Baloney! We’ve gone too far the other way for that!”
So let me share with you why, nevertheless, it is actually possible. I’ve created a roadmap back to “together.” But it starts with yourself. See, this is the part lots of people don’t see because they’re so intent on focusing on the wrong their partner has done. But, paradoxically, the only way to “together” is working first on yourself. My Love Yourself program consists of the following Pillars:
*Inner Authority – since most people really don’t know themselves at all – including your feelings, wants, and needs.
*Emotional Agility so you don’t bite your spouse’s head off – or go into victim mode – when they say the wrong thing. In other words, triggers will be a thing of the past.
*Intentional Self-Adoration which means no one can ever undermine you again.
*and Compassionate Honesty because you can speak your truth in a loving way that deepens the relationship.
Each Pillar is composed of several modules and within each are exercises to reflect, to change behavior, to note what the behavior and feelings are, and to change physiology through methods geared to exactly that such as meditation and similar exercises. They all work and they complement each other.
The process begins with a phone call in which we discuss what the problems have been and we map out a plan for overcoming them if that is appropriate. But one thing is quite certain: When you book a call with me, you will learn what no one else has told you about yourself: the real causes of the breakdown in your marriage. https://drdeb.com/book
(Please note that after you schedule the appointment, you’ll be taken to a short application form to fill out. That will save us about 20 min out of the call; that’s why I need it done!)