Eva walks in the door and Tom, her husband, barely looks at her, barely speaks to her.
Tom is stealing Eva’s happiness.
Why? Why would he do that?
He’ll tell you that he’s not happy. He’ll tell you that Eva is the problem, the reason. He’ll tell you that he can’t tolerate for one more minute her constant criticism, her nagging. He can’t take it. He’s done.
And he’s made that plain to her.
Great job, Tom. You made it plain. Okay, now what?
Tom, did you have the idea that if you “show her how bad you feel” she will understand and be nicer?
Lots of people think so. Wow. Really a bad direction. As you’ve already seen, it boomerangs. It chases away the person you’re trying to “teach.”
And you, Eva? Why are you yelling anyway? Why are you always criticizing? Do you really believe that that will get Tom to say, “Oh, yeah, you’re right, dear!”
We know the answer to that one too.
So why are Tom and Eva locked into this eternal dance of pain? How did they get there? And most important – how will they get out?
Well, answering the last question first, they will rush to the lawyers. That’s how.
Bad move again.
That will not, absolutely not make them happy. It will not even make one iota of improvement in their mood. Rather, all the unhealed emotions from the trauma of their marriage will remain unhealed. Forever. Because now that they’re divorcing, there will be no opportunity for them to make good on early unmet promises. No opportunity for healing. No opportunity for discovering the joy they once felt in each other’s presence.
The missing opportunity to correct the wrongs of the marriage will leave them forever bitter. What a horrible way to look back on their lives together. It’s like they sacrificed precious minutes, days, and years of the one life they will live.
The better alternative is to restore happiness.
That requires a lot.
First of all, they must restore their self-love. Not an easy thing when they’ve behaved so badly just to “make a point” or “express their feelings.” It’s awfully hard to forgive yourself for your rotten behavior, let alone forgive your spouse for theirs. But that, nevertheless, is the first step. It’s absolutely necessary for future happiness.
Because if you can’t love, cherish, respect, and appreciate yourself, how can you expect your still-hurting spouse to love, cherish, respect and appreciate you?
So how will this restoration of love take place?
Well, let me back up just a bit. Do you notice that not a single marriage program includes this one fundamental piece?
Long-term individual therapy may do this. But not marriage counseling. Not at all. Marriage counseling wants to put the cart before the horse and talk about “communication” before recognizing that when you communicate from a heart that is not only broken but self-hating, it will not work.
And those intensives. What about them? Nah. They go too fast for deep, personal reflection to result in deep, personal changes. Blink your eye and the weekend is over. What are you left with?
Nobody addresses this. Yet you cannot go forward without it. Well, I address it, of course. More on that in a moment.
The second step is to cautiously step into conversation. I say cautiously because until you are in a good place with yourself, there is not much you can safely communicate to your partner.
The third step is the heartfelt apology. It comes from knowing what you did wrong and forgiving yourself for it. That’s a pre-condition for the apology. But it is only the beginning. The only apology that works is the one that touches the heart and soul of the person you’re apologizing to.
For some reason, no therapy (except one other besides mine), no course, no weekend intensive, no coach deals with this. (The only therapy model that addresses this is not for couples anyway.) How can you go on if the apology is not going to heal the listener?
And then, only then, can the couple learn the tools of communication, touching, reaching out emotionally and verbally, connecting, sharing, growing, and having passionate sex. Only then.
But these are the steps to happiness and I refuse to compromise on any of them. Every step must be included and done right and done well in order for people to move to the next step.
If you’re sick of playing around with programs that don’t work and you want happiness, book a call: https://drdeb.com/book.