Coaching isn’t about feelings, right?
That’s what I used to think.
That is, until I put together my own coaching program. Which clearly focuses on feelings. How could it not?
Feelings run the world! Politics is all about feelings. Love and marriage – of course – is certainly all about feelings. In fact, research shows that every rational and logical decision we make – is based on our feelings. Whether we are aware of them or not. Whether we “approve” of them or not. Whether we know where they came from or not. Not knowing doesn’t change anything because, basically, our feelings totally control us.
It gives the impression we do not have a chance!
“I’m in love. I fell out of love. I love my secretary – oh, no. I also love my wife; what do I do?? I don’t want to hurt her. I’m so confused.”
So mixed up, right? You don’t know if you’re coming or going with all these feelings rocking your world. And you don’t necessarily want to have them but for some reason, you do. You seem stuck with them and do not know which way to turn.
Like George. He and Leah were just the most hard working people on the planet. Goal-directed and responsible. Except they hardly ever saw each other. And when they did, they hardly had anything to say. So….they drifted apart. And one thing led to another, you know how that goes. George did not want that to happen. But it did. Oddly enough, instead of being happy for the fun he could now have, he’s miserable. He can’t go forward, but he does not want to go back to the emptiness of the old way, either.
Or Amy. Amy scrambles to make ends meet because her husband is AWOL. Where is he? She does not know. But Mike comes by to help her, and…well….
Or Sandra and Jeremy who definitely are not cheating. They are too busy fighting to cheat. All day, every day. They are locked in an endless battle and every time they see each other their blood pressure goes up. They’ve both put on a few pounds and they’re exhausted most of the time. At work, it’s difficult concentrating as they go over the latest indignity they suffered at each other’s hands. What’s going on? Why can’t they get off the treadmill?
It’s all so confusing.
What if I told you that all that can change 180?
What if I told you that you can take control of how you feel, what you feel, why you feel, and you would know exactly where the feelings came from? You would be able to act in a way that was consistent with your feelings and your feelings would make sense, they’d be consistent with your values? What if I told you that all that is possible through the fine art of coaching?
See, here’s the thing. Although feelings do rule us, we can learn their secrets. We can tap into their source and we can learn to actually change them. We can make them what we want them to be. And if we could do that, we can be happy, right? Then happiness would be a choice, right? Even happiness together.
So, yes, the interesting thing is that some coaches do understand the secrets of feelings.
And by the way, this is vastly different from therapy. Because therapy seems to be magnetically attracted to examining your bad feelings. There’s a place for that, sure. These feelings can’t be glossed over. But it’s equally important to have tools to produce good feelings. And to know what, exactly, to do when bad ones come up.
In fact, this is the first Pillar of my program: gaining Inner Authority. It’s knowing what you feel, want, and need. Getting super clear on this. How? Through exercises meant to help you distinguish one feeling from another and track all of them daily.
(See, that’s the beauty of coaching from a therapist: it pays attention to what matters but in an organized, skills-building way.)
Here are the other Pillars of the Love Yourself program:
*Emotional Agility. One of the things you need to know in order to heal is what triggers you. We all get disturbed by certain things. We can hide it, even from ourselves – but it is doomed to come out somehow anyway. So this part of the program is to get clear on it. And to take the next step – conquer it. We can’t go through life having hurt feelings or exploding, or being depressed because something triggered all that. We need to have tools to make those feelings sweetly dissipate. Without sweeping the dust under the rug.
*Intentional Self-Adoration. We suffer from limiting beliefs. We know who we are but don’t like who we are. That’s got to change. The road to change is intentional. We learn to disarm harmful messages buried within ourselves. We intentionally replace those with the self-love and even adoration that is rightfully ours. Developing this self-compassion readies us for the next step.
*Compassionate Honesty. The strong framework of the above three pillars of the program get us past resentment and bitterness. We now can clearly, honestly, and openly communicate in an assertive way what we think, want, need, feel, and offer. But it is filtered through a heart of compassion. This is key for a relationship and it deepens the connection between you. This is how you get the marriage you want out of loving yourself.
If you want to work with someone who knows feelings and would rather help you feel good than stay stuck discussing the bad ad nauseum, then book a call with me! https://drdeb.com/book. Speaking of feelings, whether we work together or not, the call itself will reveal things about yourself that you didn’t see but will recognize immediately as true when you hear them.
(Please note that after you schedule the appointment, you’ll be taken to a short application form to fill out. That will save us about 20 min out of the call; that’s why I need it done!)