You don’t know what to do. It’s happened again. You’ve gotten yelled at. Made fun of. Put down. Name-called. Gotten eyeballs rolled. Threatened. Even a little of that gets under the skin. It’s corrosive. Toxic. It hurts.
And everyone that cares about you – who knows that this is going on – is telling you to leave the abuser. You went to a therapist and THEY told you to leave the abuser. You Googled this online and it seems like you ought to leave your abuser.
And you cannot tolerate one more day like this. It is too much!
Yet….
That’s a hard step. A step you don’t want to take. Your children miss their mommy/daddy. You miss your partner too. You miss the good times. The laughter. The sweet moments. But the look in her eyes when she cursed you out remains seared into the back of your mind. His red cheeks and red neck when he screamed still terrifies you.
You are beside yourself with confusion.
But it doesn’t have to be that hard. Really. Abusers can change. Absolutely.
The question is: Will THIS one change? Here is how to tell:
• Will she or he do the work?
What work are we talking about?
The hardest thing for anybody is to look at themselves and say, “You know? I was wrong.”
It’s so simple, a short, three-word sentence that nobody wants to say. Even to themselves. It’s that hard. But in order to learn how to express their pain – and get listened to – they have to start over. They have to recognize that their way is no good.
So, is he or she committed to taking responsibility EVEN if you also have things to learn?
Abusers get very tired very quickly of “always being the bad one.” I don’t blame them. A person would need to have a very strong ego to tolerate always being in the wrong and needing to work on one more thing. Ugh.
Yet the reality is that they really are often in the wrong and need to work on one more thing! Can they take responsibility and not get tired out? Can they go forward and keep learning? Will they eventually say “enough”? Because if they’re going to give up, then they really aren’t sincere about changing and they really aren’t committed to the process.
The sad thing here is that abusers do not have that strong ego that they need. They’ve been in the wrong so much, they often don’t even like themselves. So if they give up, it’s NOT because they don’t love you enough. It’s because they don’t like themselves enough. Yet they can’t allow themselves the luxury of giving up – or nothing will change and you will always get hurt.
• Is he or she going to stop pointing fingers?
True, you do have your share for them to complain about. How do I know? Because it’s never 100% on one person. Never. (I can prove that to you in another post.) But they still are not allowed to point fingers. There can be no blaming going on. That goes for you, too, by the way. If your partner commits to doing all the work and takes responsibility for what he or she needs to do, and won’t point fingers at you, then you can’t point fingers at them either.
So I’d say these are the ways you can tell if your partner, who has been abusive, can and will reform. I’ve worked with hundreds of abusers who have quickly and relatively easily given up all their abusive behaviors. It’s not hard when there is guidance helping them along the way. Not only that, the process is very EMPOWERING because they get to replace the abuse with methods of getting their wounds licked and their needs met that are healthy and appreciated by others. So it’s a win-win.
All that’s needed is the guidance I was telling you about. And that’s what I’m here for. Book a call and I’ll be happy to help: https://drdeb.com/book