Here are two more reasons “communication” is not the answer to marriage problems.
Reason #3: Emotional Impoverishment
How many times do annoyed parents say, “Stop carrying on!” “Be a man!” “Don’t be a crybaby!”
It gets worse when the kids get older, “I wish you were never born” is a good one. Okay, I’m being sarcastic. It is not “good.” It is “bad.” It’s devastating, actually.
Another may be worse than that – if that is possible: Totally ignoring the child’s existence.
Those parents don’t know what they feel (other than annoyed) and they don’t care what their children feel.
Besides, from their point of view, what their children feel doesn’t even matter since these kids are not listening to them. Or, as one troubled parent put it very honestly, “Sometimes I do hate him because of the way he talks to me.”
When the subject is about the child being hurt by bullies at school, the message is the same: “Deal with it!” “Grow up!” “Let it go!”
The child learns that his or her feelings are wrong and useless. It’s better to pretend they don’t exist.
Now the child grows up and marries someone with feelings – it happens all the time (that’s called, “opposites attract”) – and has no clue what their partner is talking about when they say they’re hurt or feel neglected.
So when Barb complained to Neil that he was neglecting her, Neil’s response is: “Neglected? Are you kidding? Talk about neglected. I was neglected by my own mother. Deal with it!”
It would be simpler if Neil were just confused, but Neil is angry, too. Why is he angry?
Well, his own neglect is unhealed. It’s festering inside of him and he doesn’t even know it.
But his response shows it, doesn’t it? His response is that of a hurt and indignant kid.
Should the marriage end because he doesn’t “get it”? Not if he’s willing to learn!
Tuning into yourself is the very first thing I teach. After all, how can you “get” another person if you don’t even know who YOU are?
All the years that Neil trained to not tune in have to be undone. Hard work? Definitely! But is it doable? Absolutely!
Reason #4: Triggering Trauma
When young children are dismissed, invalidated, neglected – or worse – by their own parents, it’s scary. Who else is going to be the protector, advisor, and guide for the child if not their parents?
That’s traumatic for a child to live through.
The child may grow up to “handle” life very well. The child may become a business tycoon. Anything is possible.
But that raw, unhealed spot in his soul remains open and easily triggered by circumstances.
What do I mean by “triggered”? It’s when the emotional tone of a current situation feels like the emotional tone of a past one.
So when Tom’s wife, Andy, tells him that she wants to go to a women’s retreat for a week, it triggers his experience of his parents not being home when he came in the door from school.
He’d come in, age six, and no one was there.
Sometimes they didn’t show up for hours. He would turn on the television and grab something to eat. By keeping his hands, his eyes, and his ears busy, he didn’t have to hear the scary voices in his mind telling him that they left him alone because they don’t love him.
If Tom were to clue into his feelings, when his wife talks about going away for a week, the first feeling he has is fear.
But this is really unpleasant. He doesn’t want to go there.
It’s easier for Tom to simply get mad. He can get mad at Andy for “being away so much.” It’s a plausible complaint. Not the real one, but who cares?
Tom’s reaction is not the reasonable one you’d hope for. Blame his amygdala (emotional center in the brain); it’s not his fault.
When traumatized kids grow up, they aren’t going to make good communicators.
Tom has to take a drink from time to time. Maybe too many drinks. So he can get control of his “nerves” which are shot. Of course he doesn’t really know why. And he doesn’t know what to do about it.
Andy is fed up with the whole thing.
Can the marriage be saved?
Yes! Here’s how:
Tom needs to face those “nerves.” He deserves better!
Talk therapy is not right for him because his body physiology has taken control. This is normal in trauma but very frustrating when you’re trying to control a reaction that simply won’t be controlled! His therapist will put him on medication. That will not get to the trauma at the root of the problem.
The solution is my 12-week intensive group and personal coaching program with 1:1 and joint therapy and an educational component that teaches you the tricks you need to heal.
Tom will conquer his triggers from Day One with Taming Your Triggers. You learn how to recognize your triggers and to calm your physiology so that your reactions – and feelings – come under your own control.
Andy will learn not to run away from problems, either. Emotional problems are her trigger.
The program’s other components make up for the terrible neglect Tom faced. He will develop a sense of who he is, deep inside. And he will value, nurture, and respect himself. That piece of the program is called Self-Validation.
The Self-Validation will help Andy to heal. She’s been hurt by Tom’s neglect.
Only then can they be ready to communication with Compassionate Honesty. Because, see, no matter how bad the trauma was, there’s no marriage without honesty.
And there’s no marriage without compassion. For yourself, first, and then for your partner.
Trauma is curable. It’s healable.
To find out how this program would be specifically tailored to your needs, book a free call. https://drdeb.com/talk
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