Imagine the scene inside a therapy office:
Therapist: So who wants to start off? Let me know why you’re here, okay?
Sheila: We’re here because George has been pulling away from me for a long time.
Therapist: How long?
Sheila: At least five years. It’s been a nightmare for me. It’s terribly lonely. I sit here every day wondering what’s going on in his head.
George sits in stony silence.
Therapist: Sheila, how did that happen? Or why do you think it happened?
Sheila: Well, six years ago, I was flirting with someone at work. I didn’t mean to do it; it just happened. There was nothing wrong at home, really. It was an indiscretion.
Therapist: So what did you do?
Sheila: George found out. He looked at my phone. He confronted me. I admitted it and I apologized. I apologized again and again but it hasn’t done any good.
Okay. Cut! What is the solution? What does the therapist do? Is he confused? Does he figure there really is no way over this hump? George is still suffering, poor guy.
Therapist (to George): Why don’t her apologizes work, George?
George: Because I don’t trust her. What’s to keep this from happening again?
Therapist: Well, for one thing she apologized. Sheila, did you promise it would never happen again?
Sheila: Of course I did.
Therapist: But in your own heart, how can he believe you?
Sheila: I don’t know, really, what to do. I’m at a loss.
The therapist here has every reason to be confused. Except for the fact that as the therapist, he is not allowed to be confused! He is supposed to have answers. He is supposed to help these people toward a new tomorrow. That’s his job. The therapist believes that he can work it in reverse. If the couple starts to have good times together and talk together, then George will see that there is a real connection between them. And this is correct.
But there is one item that was skipped over. And it is vital to the whole project: The apology was never done correctly. The question lingering in George’s mind – how do I know this is for real? – is fair. He has heard nothing to assure himself that under certain circumstances it will not happen again.
Most apologies miss this fundamental point. And it cannot be skipped. It must come at the right moment in their work together in combination with growing levels of sharing of self. But how do you share yourself when you’re afraid of being vulnerable because the apology wasn’t done correctly?
You see the dilemma. They’re caught in a catch-22. Sharing will get them comfortable with who the other person is but without the proper apology that convinces George this will not happen again in the future, he is afraid to believe Sheila’s sharing and he is afraid to share himself. But without the sharing, he is not convinced of the truth of the apology.
The answer is the sharing and the correct apology must coincide and gradually come together. There will be no healing without it.
If this is your dilemma, I can help you get clear on just how we will work that in one clarity call. Book here to find out for yourself: https://drdeb.com/book
My very best,