OKAY, DRDEB, PEOPLE DO CHANGE, BUT NOT THE PERSON I’M MARRIED TO
Why would someone say that? Why would they be so dead set against seeing that the person they were married to could change?
Here’s my theory: Research says that we make decisions and THEN we come up with reasons for them! That’s called rationalization.
That means we don’t really think things through in the first place. We act on impulse. We allow our emotions to rule us. Isn’t that frustrating? It is not fun to be thought badly of. To have someone who loves us assess not only who we are but who we will forever be? That is maddening. You can’t argue your way out of it – because it was never a rational thought in the first place. So there’s no logical argument that can apply.
Frustrating. Maddening. And painful.
It hurts for your partner to no longer believe in you. It steals your possibilities away. Basically, it says that you are a robot that cannot escape your programming. As if you didn’t have free choice.
So why did they convince themselves in the first place that that was you? What’s the motivation to not believe in another person? Well, THEY’VE told you to change and you didn’t. That’s their answer.
And you may be surprised to hear that. “They did not tell me to change. I don’t know where they get that from” you may be thinking. There’s the rub. Was it that you didn’t hear them or was it that they didn’t know how to communicate?
I say a little of both.
When I work with couples I always find it’s a little of both. One person will tell me that she or he repeatedly told their spouse what was bothering them and I believe them. I believe they did. But somehow it did not register. Both the speaker and the listener have a responsibility to make their thoughts heard and received.
What can be done about this?
The reality is that I cannot go into the brain of the person that made up their mind and re-make it. That doesn’t happen. Can you see that arguing over something that was purely emotional — irrational — in the first place will never work? So whether you’re doing the arguing or I’m doing it, it won’t work.
Here is what I can do, though: I can help YOU to listen and “hear between the lines.” And ask questions. And be brave enough to bring up tough subjects in a way that the other person can be okay with. I can help you to make the changes you want. I have zero concerns about your ability to change. We all can and if you want to you will. I only work with committed people so you will know if you are committed.
And then we can enjoy your partner’s jaw dropping open as they see that you really did change. At that point, you may not want THEM anymore. But that will be your decision. And you’ll make a real decision, not an irrational one.
Book a call with me to get the ball rolling: https://drdeb.com/book
My very best,